Brazil September 2009 - Susie in the Valley of the Deceivers

Another trip to The Heart of the Initiate Workshop in Brazil and another 3 journeys after drinking Ayahuasca. The final one was my 13th journey

Before I went on this trip I was plagued with nightmares of demons. My personal and working life was plagued with upheaval and distress and I needed answers ....

Thank you to my friend CP for the title!!

1st Journey - Who Is The Greatest Deceiver?

My first journey was all about deception. I got the distinct message that all around me was falseness and deception. I was given a lot of questions ....

Was someone there for the right reasons or were they there out of fear of saying 'No' ...

Was someone there because they thought they were someone and wanted to show off their ego ....

Was someone there to learn about the plant or were they there to sample what they thought was a drug they hadn't tried ...

Was someone just tolerating others to look 'nice' whereas in other circumstances they would not give them the time of day ....

Was someone just telling others what they wanted to hear instead of the truth ...

Was someone hoping for something to happen to them because they thought that because they drank Ayahuasca they were some form of super hero ...

Was someone trying to deceive the others in the group for their own gain ...

Were there liars and cheats among us ....

And me, was I there because I wanted to learn more or because I thought I too was a super hero?

A demon appeared walking down the steps of a pyramid. The steps were on the outside, he was wearing a crown. He stabbed me through the heart with a dagger saying "Who is the greatest deceiver?" It hurt a bit I can tell you

After he had decided to hurt me, I again kept hearing statements. I was told about how vanity can make us look ugly. How greed can make us look stupid, how selfishness can make us look hideous and how ego can make us look a fool.

I was also told a few of my own faults as well and I took a long look at myself

I was told we cannot be involved in any deception to be free, we have to be as genuine as we can and be as honest as we can. We should not deceive ourselves and others. We should not live our lives to look good to others, but for ourselves

I saw two of my friends in rooms full of mirrors and they were looking at themselves. I was told that you do not just look at what is in front of your face, but rather what is beyond that, and you must not try to see something that is not there.

I saw a lady of our group smiling in a cameo on the front of a jewelled box. The box opened and a jewelled crown came floating upwards out of it. The crown shattered into tiny pieces and was destroyed

We should have the courage to drink the Ayahuasca without wanting all our expectations to be met. We cannot write the script, we cannot write our own journey, we cannot tell the plant what we want, but rather accept the gifts she gives us. Accept what we see on our journeys for our own knowledge and healing

The lesson I learned was that we cannot have everything we want, but if we go to the plant with an open heart she will give us what we need, not what we demand of her

I thought Ayahuasca had taught me all I needed to know ..... Wrong!

The upheaval I experienced in the weeks in the run up to this trip happened to show me deception, when I got there I saw deception and in my journey the demon of deception showed himself as the ruler over me. He appeared to show me the hurt deception causes

I was told by a beautiful lady that our tribe is all right as long as we are prepared to learn and not decide for ourselves what is the beginning or the end. She said we are not the ones to decide. She said this as she waved at me before she disappeared, smiling

I know nothing, I am nothing and she showed me I know nothing. I deceived myself into thinking I was some sort of super hero and I got my arse kicked ....

However, once that was over I saw a lady who I call 'Princess' She gave me a pink rose and reminded me that I knew where it was from. She asked me to give it to her husband who was journeying close by. I said I couldn't at that moment as he was lying down on a journey but she insisted. I said I was a bit dubious to go over to him as I may frighten him, so she said I had to promise to give it to him when he awoke. I said I would, and I did.

2nd Journey - The King Has Lost His Crown

On my second journey a lady kept appearing and kissing me on the face saying "Do not be afraid Susie" Then the same demon came wearing the crown. He again was coming down the steps of the pyramid. He had the same dagger in his hand and he came to stab me right through the heart again. A Shaman came and shot the demon through the heart with a bow and arrow. He then put his nose on mine before he changed into a white jaguar and I could feel the fur on my face. He was such a beautiful animal until he ripped my face off and it felt like the real me was being exposed

My teeth started chattering uncontrollably and I could feel fangs growing in my mouth. I knew I had a furry face and I could smell the trees, grass and everything around me, even the people. I could hear for miles and could hear the flies and mosquitos on the beach which was a fair way away. I started to make the noises a big cat would make and could not stop myself from doing it. I was a jaguar and it felt fantastic. My senses were so heightened and the Shaman told me I was as strong as the jaguar

I kept making the hissing and spitting noises for a while longer. After the journey when we were having some soup, one of the ladies in the group said she kept hearing a cat like noise and it woke her up. She started laughing when I said it was me. Then she said that she was laughing because the man next to her kept getting up wondering where the noise was coming from as it woke him up too. I stopped doing it for a while and he went back into his journey, but I started doing it again and he woke up with a start saying "Oh for fuck's sake!"

After that I saw an very old native South American lady smoking a pipe with a long holder. She smiled at me and said "Welcome" She then turned into a very old Tibetan Shaman who also smiled at me and said "I have something to tell you" I asked what it was, and he said " You will remember me when you see it" Then he disappeared

Charming, I thought ....

I woke up not long after that and went for a walk. I could not stop myself curling up into a ball and I still felt like I had the heart and strength of the jaguar ready to do battle

3rd Journey - Who Do You Think You Are ??

After my first journey, which had left me feeling like a worthless piece of rag, it suddenly dawned on me that I had gone to Brazil thinking I knew who I was. After this journey, I now knew who I was not. This was the thirteenth time I had drank the medicine and in past journeys I had literally had my ego, vanity, pride and impatience kicked out of me, yet I had obviously not learnt from it so the plant decided to give me a reminder

I was not some great Ayahuasquera, I was not someone special, I was not some super hero because I had drank Ayahuasca so many times. My ego was shattered into little pieces and I had been smacked round the back of the head for even thinking I was someone who had got the message

During the week I saw vanity, I saw selfishness, I saw anger and I saw fear. I saw doubt, ego, greed and jealousy. They were put in front of me for a reason, to make me aware of these emotions and what harm they can do, and how stupid they make you look

The plant did everything she could to knock these things out of me. I was run over by a train, smacked round the face, attacked by demons and snakes slithered all round me. Incidentally, one of the other men in the group had also been run over by a train in his journey on the same night. He asked if anyone had seen the train crash, he had been run over by it first too. I said I had, it was like it ran over you and then crashed

After that, I kept seeing religious icons. Matt was at my left side laughing, I asked why I was being shown these things as I am not a religious person. Matt carried on laughing. His friend was standing in front of him and each time an icon of Mary carrying baby Jesus appeared or an angel or Jesus on the cross, he pulled the picture away saying "That is an illusion." I was getting a bit frustrated and kept saying, "What do you want me to look at then?" But he kept doing it and Matt kept laughing. I used to be religious and it was like my head was being emptied of all the teachings about religion I had ever put into it

I fell into a deep sleep after that and woke up seven and a half hours later feeling like I had been in some sort of coma. However, I did feel that I had been given the message that the things we are taught in this world are not always true, the religious teachings we are taught are illusions, our heads are stuffed full of so much crap it is hard to empty your head of it. The visions we see under Ayahuasca are also illusions. They are not real, they are there to teach us just as the religion we learnt at school tried to teach us. The plant uses an illusion to show you your faults, your true nature and uses illusions to show you the real truth, not what people want you to believe or what you want to believe yourself

We are born with no ego, vanity, selfishness, doubt, anger or greed. It is only during our lives we collect these things. We are not the important human beings we think we are, we have wrecked our brains thinking we know everything, control everything and own everything. We think we can do and have what we want, we are the nastiest animal on this planet and the sad thing is, it is very true. We want all our own way even when we know we are wrong

As I sit here 3 days later I still feel like I am in a daze. I reflect on all the bad things I have ever done in my life and I am truly sorry. As a tribe we have made a complete arse of everything. We went to the plant thinking we were special and wanted our own way, we wanted to control her. We took part in deception, even though the plant showed us deception before we went to Brazil in the form of actions by others, and deception in the people who were there. We did not listen, we did not see and carried on thinking we could control everything. We have been so wrong

We have had access to the greatest plant teacher on the earth used for centuries by the ancients, abused it and learned nothing ....

Brazil - March 2009

This visit to the Heart of the Initiate Workshop in Brazil was not a usual workshop week. There were to be three Ayahuasca ceremonies and that was all. None of the other workshop activities were to take place, no sharings, no lectures, no Lakota Indian ceremonies and no opening or closing circle ceremonies.

This had a definite impact on the week as I will explain later and I was with the usual tribe with whom I had drank Ayahuasca before

First Journey - The Female of the Species

It took a while for anything to happen on my first journey as there was no 'white noise' no feeling of nausea or rumblings in the tummy. I closed my eyes and lay down on my mat waiting for my journey to begin. Some people had only drank a little, some the normal amount the Shaman gives you and others as much as they liked! However, I did get the feeling that some were not enthusiastic about drinking Ayahuasca for their own reasons.

The Shaman was playing his music and singing, I listened to the Shaman for a while and after what seemed like an age I found myself in a bright green jungle with trees and brightly coloured flowers all around, reds, yellows, blues etc. The grass was so lush and green. A lioness came right up to my face and she was beautiful, yet I sensed her power. She looked into my eyes, turned and walked away. Next came a black female jaguar, her green eyes stared into mine as she too walked away. I then saw in succession an owl, a turtle and a monkey. The lioness kept returning to me.

All female
All mothers

I looked down at the grass beneath me, all was quiet and a lady's hand came up from the grass with her fingers outstretched. She beckoned me to put my left hand to hers which I did. As soon as I had done this her fingers interlocked with mine and I felt her warmth.

Mother Earth

Next I was riding a white animal, I do not know what kind of animal it was just that it was furry and had little ears and a wide head. It was strong and powerful, and quite large as my legs were stretched out on her back. She took me towards a bright yellow light, as bright as the sun.

My next visions were of native American Indians which decided to appear on the roof of the cabana we were in. There were both male and female. The roof of the maloca then opened up like a trap door, first the right door then the left. I could now see all the stars and the night sky. Bright white lights appeared on the roof of the cabana. They were rod shaped and moving down the beams towards the corner where the Shaman was. If any of you have ever burned magnesium in chemistry class, you will understand how bright they were. I once into trouble at school for setting fire to a whole coil of the stuff which is how I remember it. I got detention for wasting the school's resources. I also used to hot up empty test tubes on the Bunsen Burner and put them back into the wooden racks as well. I got away with that for ages until one day Peter Gawkrodger spoilt it for me, and decide to faint in class holding two fingers up, as I was heating my latest weapon.

I gazed at the stars for ages and I could feel that the natives were still with me. I could feel their presence, although they did not speak to me. It was a very happy feeling and atmosphere. However, I was aware of the others who by now had come out of their journeys and I could hear them talking and walking around.

I saw my husband standing next to a drain which was half moon shaped and grey. He had his back to me wearing a beige jacket and a panama hat. The drain was to his left and a blue bottle with a hexagonal base was in the drain lying on its side. The bottom of the bottle was broken from the main part and the edges were all jagged. I sensed much sadness from this sight and saw tears.

I was also shown that the reason the lioness kept returning to me was because the lioness is the one who keeps the pride together, if she didn't the pride would not survive. The lioness is the most sociable of the big cats as she works within a team, whilst other female big cats work alone.

To me this was symbolic of the fact that our tribe must be kept together or we are not going to survive.

Sounds cheesy I know, but if something is shown to me, how the hell can I ignore it??

I staggered down to the cabana for something to eat and a drink and was met by some of the tribe sat in chairs looking very dismal. There was an air of disappointment as they had neither seen or heard anything on their journeys. I was wondering if it was because some of us had our minds on other things, did not want to drink or just something that was meant to be.

The day after, I asked the Shaman via his assistant who can speak English, why he thought some people had seen nothing. He replied that some had not drank enough to see anything, and some had not allowed the plant to do her job, but had rather questioned or held back from her.

I hoped the next ceremony would be different

Second Journey - Down the Rabbit Hole ??

I embarked on my second journey a lot quicker than the first. I was pinned down to my mat, and was shown a swirling vortex of bright colours. I kept asking questions such as 'What is this?' and 'What is that?' and 'Why do I have to see this?' I could sense that someone was getting a little irate with me and telling me not to ask so many questions but just 'Let go of yourself and we will take care of you'

That was a little funny because I had a conversation earlier in the day with one of the younger members of the tribe as he was having trouble with the 'letting go' thing, as he had received no visions on the first journey so I was asking him to try his best and he will journey. Now here was I, having the same problem myself.

As I was not paying attention a voice appeared that I did recognise. It was that of my friend and he told me, in a nice way, everything was going to be all right and, 'Now shut up and listen, nothing bad is going to happen to you, it's OK' I did as I was told.

After seeing numerous beautiful ladies of all races, I was taken to a lady who looked a bit like Cleopatra with the Egyptian style eye make up and hair but she had a green face. She held out her hand and a black hole opened up next to her. 'How deep do you want to go Susie?' she said. I was not frightened by this but something made me turn and walk away. On doing this I was met by some small demon like people who gently held my outstretched arms and led me back to the black hole. Down I went and I knew I was going to another world.

On reflection, it must have looked like that Spielberg film called Close Encounters, where the aliens take hold of the volunteers with outstretched arms and lead them into their space ship. Nice, but a scary type of nice.

I was put onto a table in darkness and something was put on my tongue which pressed it down into the floor of my mouth. The time for speaking had come to an end. A strange looking man was looking into my eyes, he had a large head, which looked like an upside down raindrop shape, and a dark green face. I just accepted this situation. It was uncomfortable but all the time I could see the faces of the rest of the tribe with me and I knew I was safe.

I felt a dull ache under my left breast, but nothing painful and I saw a clean vertical cut there in my mind. Something was gently dragged out. My lungs appeared before my eyes complete with trachea and a lady's hands were around them, she was moulding them and rubbing them slowly. It felt like I could not breathe at all but I was alive. All I could feel was the dull ache and my tongue being pressed down and my mouth so dry. I woke up after I was told I was 'OK now' and I was breathing very heavily. I lay down again as I felt so weak.

After a spell of staring at the roof thinking about what had just happened, there was the sound of grunting like some wild pig would make and I struggled to sit up, wondering what the hell was going on. The noise was so loud and was coming from the corner to my right of the cabana we were in. I heard this pig rustle through the bushes at the back of it, and noticed my friend was sitting up and kept turning his head to the right as though he too could hear it. I was going to go over to him and ask if he could hear what I was hearing but was too weak to do so. Besides he may have thought I was crazy. I even heard this pig foraging in the leaves on the ground.

The morning after, I was at the breakfast table and my friend asked if anyone had heard the pig last night. I had already told my husband I had heard this pig and I nearly fell off my chair with surprise, as we had both heard the exact same thing. My friend even mentioned it was at the back of him in the bushes. However, the strange thing was, no-one else had.

I mentioned this to the Shaman the day after and asked if he had heard the pig. He said he had not and neither had his assistant, but if it came again on the last ceremony I was to tell him. It didn't. He also said that there was a wild jungle pig in South American countries, but they are very rare to be seen next to tropical beaches which is where our cabana was!

The day after I felt like I was recovering from a medical operation. I was weak, sleepy, breathless and drained of all energy. It took ages to wear off. It felt like I was recovering from some major trauma, yet I was in no pain and felt peaceful.

I started to wonder if what had happened to me was a healing or a warning. Was it the case that there was something in my lungs that the plant had healed, or was it a wake up call to ditch my nicotine addiction?

Did she give me a new set of lungs as the old ones were knackered or did she show me the damage I was doing to myself?

Were lung transplants possible under Ayahuasca in another dimension?
Do you have to go there to get one?
How did my friend know it was OK?
Was he directed to take me there?

I was driving myself mad asking myself all these questions, but have decided to accept that what I saw and felt was real

Last Journey - Tears, Piers & The Jaguar Nears

So far I had interacted with fingers on a hand popping up from the earth, been up close and personal with a lioness, been visited by pigs in the night and sent down the rabbit hole to have bits taken out of me. Yet my last journey was the most powerful of all.

My journey started with me seeing lots of children of all races. I also saw mothers with children. I asked if I could see my children and a my friend who was across from me appeared in my vision. She was very beautiful and was wearing a white robe and an orange beaded necklace. She shone in the light. She said ' Of course Susie, here they are' She held out her hand and our two sons aged 25 and 21 appeared before me. They both said 'Hello Mum' and then it all went back to when they were babies, then toddlers then schoolboys. It was so emotional that I woke up crying. I could not stop myself, but as my tears fell heavily on my blanket I could hear Shamen singing in my ears. It was not our Shaman's voice as he was not sitting on his chair and his wife was sitting on the floor playing an instrument.

I lay down again thinking 'I will stop crying soon' and I did. It was like a wave of emotion came over me and I could not stop the tears from flowing, it was like I was crying for every mother on the earth. My friend was still around in my visions. I could see beautiful ladies' faces but their voices were that of my friend and she kept talking to me. At one point I sat up to see where she was and she was still across from me asleep on her mat. She was reassuring me all the time that everything was OK, and that my children loved me.

Next I was standing at the entrance of a swirling black hole. My husband was there wearing his familiar hat and beige jacket. I took his hand and asked what it was. He said he did not know. Suddenly the voice of my friend appeared again. It was the same friend who had reassured me that to go down the black hole last time was OK.

'Go through' he said, 'It's all right, it is only another dimension. I have been there before so I know it is OK' So we both walked through. There were little yellow lights on the sides and when we got to the end it was all dark yet we could see each other. 'What's he up to ?' My husband said.

'(His name) Where the f**k are we?'

Our friend's voice came from the darkness with a chuckle and said ' I told you it was OK'

I was now in a coffin. I lay there as the two doors banged shut above me. 'Not nice down here is it?' the demon said sat down next to me. He told me that this what we believed happened, put in a box and that was it .... It's not.

In my next vision the Jaguar came and he crawled up my body as I was laying on my mat. He disappeared into me and into my heart. I felt strong. I could feel him in between my feet under my blanket and he moved to my right side and laid down next to me. I woke up stroking my blanket! Yet I could still feel him near me.

Native North American Indians appeared in the cabana and they lined the walls all seated. They bowed forward and held out their hands. A chief held in his hand a string of coloured tobacco packets from the tobacco tying ceremony normally done at the workshop. He smiled at me and told me that I must tell the lady who did this with us 'Thank you' he also said he knew we did this ceremony. He then put the string of colours into my left hand, smiled and disappeared. I saw chiefs with animals on their head dresses such the buffalo and the eagle. The ordinary Indians took me by the hands and led me to a tribe where I saw where they lived, their fires, their dogs, warriors, women and children. Some were on horses and some were just sitting down.

I saw giant Indians sitting on chairs and I only came up to the chair leg. I gazed in awe at these people and they looked down at me. Big, large powerful men.

I found myself in a native South American Indian hut. I saw the thatched roof and they were carrying spears. I saw their head dresses, not as elaborate as the North Americans. I recall how small they were, as I am not very tall myself. They had war paint on their faces.

One came and knelt down beside me on my right side. He held his hands over me palms down, like he was warming his hands in front of a fire. His hands began to hover over my body and I turned in mid air as the same was done to the back of me. He was singing all the time.

A South American Shaman appeared and he was a huge, strong, powerful man. He looked down at me and smiled.

As I lay on my mat snakes appeared and began to entwine themselves first round my arms, then my legs and finally my body. I could feel them slithering all over me, such bright colours they were. I did not feel scared at all, just very content.

Our Shaman was doing a healing ceremony on one of the ladies in our group and his singing compelled me to get up and listen. As he was chanting, little red lights danced on the empty mat next to me and directly behind the Shaman. It was not the reflection of the fire, these lights were small, round and twinkling all over the mat.

Once again, I staggered down to the cabana by the beach for a drink and some food. My friend who had advised we go through the swirling hole came walking down shortly after. I noticed that he had a monkey clinging to his back. It was a little one with a cute face and a bushy tail. I opened my mouth to say '(His name) you've got a ......" but my voice vanished and I could not speak. I decided not to say it again, but save it for a later time as I was obviously not meant to say anything in the first place.

After this journey I started to question why this time had been so different. There had been people who did not want to drink for their own reasons, some only drank a little, others did not seem enthusiastic at all. If you were to ask about their journeys, the usual response was 'It was OK' or 'Yeh, I saw some stuff' but that was as far as it went. It was like no-one wanted to talk about it or share and there was none of the usual anticipation to drink again after each ceremony.

So I asked myself more questions ....

Are we being distracted from the plant and her powers by some unknown force who thinks we have seen too much?
Are we being challenged to see how easy it is to send us back into the dumbed down world?
Is the plant testing us to see how easily we are distracted from her?
Have we just been taking halucogenic drugs or was what we have seen, learned and heard really knowledge that there is more than this 5 sense world?

Have we just been playing silly buggers?

I do not know the answer to my own questions, what I do know is we have all embarked on these journeys, and I cannot help but feel that the throwing together of our tribe was done for a reason. One we do not know about just yet.

Brazil 2008 - Lessons to be learned

I was given another chance to go to the Heart Of The Initiate Workshop in Brazil in September. There were to be three Ayahuasca Ceremonies in the week I was there.

I managed two....

Before I actually went to this workshop this time I was having dreams that I was in for a bit of a rough ride. All my last journeys had been so gentle and it seemed I was getting a message of, "Right lady, I have been very gentle with you so far, now is the time for you to see for yourself who you really are"

Read on .........

My First Journey - Snakes & Demons

My first journey began with a feeling of fear and panic. I was confronted by various demons of various colours and horrible faces holding snakes of all shapes and sizes. One decided to put a blue snake up my right nostril which then ran amok in my head, and I felt every squiggle. All this time I was struggling to breathe and decided that this was what it must feel like to die. With a pounding heart I decided not to call the Shaman as I thought it was best that I see what I was meant to see.

The Shaman arrived as The Jaguar, he jumped right into my journey, looked at me and faded away. Such a beautiful animal.

I had no need to call the Shaman as my next vision was one of seeing him in a beautiful place with trees, flowers, grass and rivers. He was sitting cross legged on the grass playing his drums. He began to shift all over the place like he was in a square television screen. It was like he was moving between dimensions. Sometimes he was near to my face, others he was far away. At one point he was so small I could not see him and then he disappeared and it was pitch black, and the music stopped. It went deathly silent.

I was getting very panicky now in the darkness as I was blind, deaf and speechless. I was waving my arms around trying to cry out for help, thinking "Where was the music?" I knew I had to go to the music for help. A bright avenue of trees opened up and I ran down it, past the trees and it was all bright and I could hear the music again. I felt so relieved, I started to cry.

I was transported back in time to some medieval castle walls where I saw military guards carrying machine guns. They had reptilian heads and I was told by the whispering lady that they control everything and they have been around for a very long time. I saw an ancient prison with dungeons, and they were walking up and down in it. I heard the clanking doors behind me as I walked through

I heard the lady singing and she whispered my name into my left ear. Her voice was lovely and she made me feel very safe. She picked me up in her arms and I felt really loved. In my other ear was the singing of a Shaman, and not the one that was with us, with a very deep voice. He was singing the familiar "Way-ay-ay-ay" I had first heard him before in Colombia. I don't know who he is, but he seems to like singing to me.

The lady placed me into a bright yellow swirling tunnel and gently pushed me away from her. I saw myself disappearing towards the end. I was actually waving to myself as I did so and emerged on the Giza plateau in Egypt. I was standing by the Pyramids and the Sphinx.

I was laying on my back with my eyes open staring at the roof when I saw my husband past me and walk over to one of the group and he had a blue shiny bottle in his left hand with a hexagon base. I looked to my left and my husband was still lying on his mat fast asleep journeying with his back to me. I looked again to where I had first seen the other person he went to, and he was not there! Then another man in our group suddenly stood up staring at the empty mat and he was in the position we do when being covered in incense before a ceremony, arms out stretched and legs slightly apart. A bright white light was all around him and I was struggling to cope with the brightness of it all.

One of the ladies from our group appeared and I saw just her face and she said she knew that I hardly ever recycle as I am lazy, but she began to wave her finger at me and said that I must do it from now on as we are damaging the planet. I was a bit startled to see her, but just listened and took it on board anyway, feeling a little bit guilty as she was spot on!

My journey finished with overwhelming peace and tranquillity, albeit I was exhausted by the fear and panic I had witnessed, I was feeling lucky to be alive and that somehow I had been given another chance.

I did not purge all night and the day after was in a bit of a state of shock due to the demons and snakes I had seen the night before. I was a bit depressed all day and kept crying and I kept thinking about what all I had been shown actually meant and why did the lady put me through such hell.