Brazil September 2009 - Susie in the Valley of the Deceivers

Another trip to The Heart of the Initiate Workshop in Brazil and another 3 journeys after drinking Ayahuasca. The final one was my 13th journey

Before I went on this trip I was plagued with nightmares of demons. My personal and working life was plagued with upheaval and distress and I needed answers ....

Thank you to my friend CP for the title!!

1st Journey - Who Is The Greatest Deceiver?

My first journey was all about deception. I got the distinct message that all around me was falseness and deception. I was given a lot of questions ....

Was someone there for the right reasons or were they there out of fear of saying 'No' ...

Was someone there because they thought they were someone and wanted to show off their ego ....

Was someone there to learn about the plant or were they there to sample what they thought was a drug they hadn't tried ...

Was someone just tolerating others to look 'nice' whereas in other circumstances they would not give them the time of day ....

Was someone just telling others what they wanted to hear instead of the truth ...

Was someone hoping for something to happen to them because they thought that because they drank Ayahuasca they were some form of super hero ...

Was someone trying to deceive the others in the group for their own gain ...

Were there liars and cheats among us ....

And me, was I there because I wanted to learn more or because I thought I too was a super hero?

A demon appeared walking down the steps of a pyramid. The steps were on the outside, he was wearing a crown. He stabbed me through the heart with a dagger saying "Who is the greatest deceiver?" It hurt a bit I can tell you

After he had decided to hurt me, I again kept hearing statements. I was told about how vanity can make us look ugly. How greed can make us look stupid, how selfishness can make us look hideous and how ego can make us look a fool.

I was also told a few of my own faults as well and I took a long look at myself

I was told we cannot be involved in any deception to be free, we have to be as genuine as we can and be as honest as we can. We should not deceive ourselves and others. We should not live our lives to look good to others, but for ourselves

I saw two of my friends in rooms full of mirrors and they were looking at themselves. I was told that you do not just look at what is in front of your face, but rather what is beyond that, and you must not try to see something that is not there.

I saw a lady of our group smiling in a cameo on the front of a jewelled box. The box opened and a jewelled crown came floating upwards out of it. The crown shattered into tiny pieces and was destroyed

We should have the courage to drink the Ayahuasca without wanting all our expectations to be met. We cannot write the script, we cannot write our own journey, we cannot tell the plant what we want, but rather accept the gifts she gives us. Accept what we see on our journeys for our own knowledge and healing

The lesson I learned was that we cannot have everything we want, but if we go to the plant with an open heart she will give us what we need, not what we demand of her

I thought Ayahuasca had taught me all I needed to know ..... Wrong!

The upheaval I experienced in the weeks in the run up to this trip happened to show me deception, when I got there I saw deception and in my journey the demon of deception showed himself as the ruler over me. He appeared to show me the hurt deception causes

I was told by a beautiful lady that our tribe is all right as long as we are prepared to learn and not decide for ourselves what is the beginning or the end. She said we are not the ones to decide. She said this as she waved at me before she disappeared, smiling

I know nothing, I am nothing and she showed me I know nothing. I deceived myself into thinking I was some sort of super hero and I got my arse kicked ....

However, once that was over I saw a lady who I call 'Princess' She gave me a pink rose and reminded me that I knew where it was from. She asked me to give it to her husband who was journeying close by. I said I couldn't at that moment as he was lying down on a journey but she insisted. I said I was a bit dubious to go over to him as I may frighten him, so she said I had to promise to give it to him when he awoke. I said I would, and I did.

2nd Journey - The King Has Lost His Crown

On my second journey a lady kept appearing and kissing me on the face saying "Do not be afraid Susie" Then the same demon came wearing the crown. He again was coming down the steps of the pyramid. He had the same dagger in his hand and he came to stab me right through the heart again. A Shaman came and shot the demon through the heart with a bow and arrow. He then put his nose on mine before he changed into a white jaguar and I could feel the fur on my face. He was such a beautiful animal until he ripped my face off and it felt like the real me was being exposed

My teeth started chattering uncontrollably and I could feel fangs growing in my mouth. I knew I had a furry face and I could smell the trees, grass and everything around me, even the people. I could hear for miles and could hear the flies and mosquitos on the beach which was a fair way away. I started to make the noises a big cat would make and could not stop myself from doing it. I was a jaguar and it felt fantastic. My senses were so heightened and the Shaman told me I was as strong as the jaguar

I kept making the hissing and spitting noises for a while longer. After the journey when we were having some soup, one of the ladies in the group said she kept hearing a cat like noise and it woke her up. She started laughing when I said it was me. Then she said that she was laughing because the man next to her kept getting up wondering where the noise was coming from as it woke him up too. I stopped doing it for a while and he went back into his journey, but I started doing it again and he woke up with a start saying "Oh for fuck's sake!"

After that I saw an very old native South American lady smoking a pipe with a long holder. She smiled at me and said "Welcome" She then turned into a very old Tibetan Shaman who also smiled at me and said "I have something to tell you" I asked what it was, and he said " You will remember me when you see it" Then he disappeared

Charming, I thought ....

I woke up not long after that and went for a walk. I could not stop myself curling up into a ball and I still felt like I had the heart and strength of the jaguar ready to do battle

3rd Journey - Who Do You Think You Are ??

After my first journey, which had left me feeling like a worthless piece of rag, it suddenly dawned on me that I had gone to Brazil thinking I knew who I was. After this journey, I now knew who I was not. This was the thirteenth time I had drank the medicine and in past journeys I had literally had my ego, vanity, pride and impatience kicked out of me, yet I had obviously not learnt from it so the plant decided to give me a reminder

I was not some great Ayahuasquera, I was not someone special, I was not some super hero because I had drank Ayahuasca so many times. My ego was shattered into little pieces and I had been smacked round the back of the head for even thinking I was someone who had got the message

During the week I saw vanity, I saw selfishness, I saw anger and I saw fear. I saw doubt, ego, greed and jealousy. They were put in front of me for a reason, to make me aware of these emotions and what harm they can do, and how stupid they make you look

The plant did everything she could to knock these things out of me. I was run over by a train, smacked round the face, attacked by demons and snakes slithered all round me. Incidentally, one of the other men in the group had also been run over by a train in his journey on the same night. He asked if anyone had seen the train crash, he had been run over by it first too. I said I had, it was like it ran over you and then crashed

After that, I kept seeing religious icons. Matt was at my left side laughing, I asked why I was being shown these things as I am not a religious person. Matt carried on laughing. His friend was standing in front of him and each time an icon of Mary carrying baby Jesus appeared or an angel or Jesus on the cross, he pulled the picture away saying "That is an illusion." I was getting a bit frustrated and kept saying, "What do you want me to look at then?" But he kept doing it and Matt kept laughing. I used to be religious and it was like my head was being emptied of all the teachings about religion I had ever put into it

I fell into a deep sleep after that and woke up seven and a half hours later feeling like I had been in some sort of coma. However, I did feel that I had been given the message that the things we are taught in this world are not always true, the religious teachings we are taught are illusions, our heads are stuffed full of so much crap it is hard to empty your head of it. The visions we see under Ayahuasca are also illusions. They are not real, they are there to teach us just as the religion we learnt at school tried to teach us. The plant uses an illusion to show you your faults, your true nature and uses illusions to show you the real truth, not what people want you to believe or what you want to believe yourself

We are born with no ego, vanity, selfishness, doubt, anger or greed. It is only during our lives we collect these things. We are not the important human beings we think we are, we have wrecked our brains thinking we know everything, control everything and own everything. We think we can do and have what we want, we are the nastiest animal on this planet and the sad thing is, it is very true. We want all our own way even when we know we are wrong

As I sit here 3 days later I still feel like I am in a daze. I reflect on all the bad things I have ever done in my life and I am truly sorry. As a tribe we have made a complete arse of everything. We went to the plant thinking we were special and wanted our own way, we wanted to control her. We took part in deception, even though the plant showed us deception before we went to Brazil in the form of actions by others, and deception in the people who were there. We did not listen, we did not see and carried on thinking we could control everything. We have been so wrong

We have had access to the greatest plant teacher on the earth used for centuries by the ancients, abused it and learned nothing ....