First Journey - The White Wolf Spirit

I was invited to go back to Brazil in August this year, my friends had built a house there and had decided to have a house warming which involved Ayahuasca ceremonies! We stayed at a place close by called Pousada Do Parque owned by Oswaldo Murad. It was a lovely place.

This was to be my first Ayahuasca ceremony for a long time, and I was a bit nervous as to how the plant would treat me after so long. A lot of things had happened in my life that I was told would happen and I would face difficult challenges. I overcame them and now it was time to go back to the plant and see what she would make of me. My life had changed, I had changed, but was it for the better?

Most of the group had drank before and there was only one lady who hadn't, but she was very brave and joined us. It takes courage to drink Ayahuasca, and it doesn't matter how many times you drink it, it still does. The reason it takes courage is because she shows you yourself. You may not like what you see or hear or learn, but you have to completely let go of any fear and ego, and be prepared to go through pain, even die if necessary to be healed and awakened. Of course not all journeys are like that, sometimes your journey is very peaceful and calm but other times it isn't. Each time is so different.

The people I was drinking with were lovely people, and there was a great atmosphere and lots of friendliness around. We were a family.

After I had drank I lay down on my mat and the Shaman began playing his music and singing. I saw swirling colours and strange faces, some were a bit scary and I was a bit scared as this was very intense. The colours were making me feel sick. My head hurt and the roof of the cabana was bouncing up and down very hard and loudly like it was going to fly off at any given moment. The noise was so loud! As this was going on, my right ankle was being massaged and it was like someone was bouncing it up and down. I had fallen down a divot earlier and wrenched it. The pain went away

I thought I as going to be sick so got up and I could walk without limping. I went outside and bent over with my arms across my tummy, with my legs straight wanting to heave. I wasn't sick because a gust of wind blew me backwards and I landed on my arse. The wind felt so cold on my face it made me feel so awake and the nausea went away. There was no gust of wind, there were only slight breezes all week, but I know what I felt. Then I saw a friend who I hadn't seen for a long while who has chosen not to speak to me anymore. I held out my hand to him, but he walked away from me and disappeared. That made me sad

I then saw the princess standing by the fire, she was in a wedding dress and she was looking at the stars. This made me smile. She always comes at some point or another, and she was holding a packet of crisps in her right hand close to her dress

I sat down on the floor with my blanket round me looking at the stars. A voice told me to look at them and how beautiful they were. I felt so small and insignificant. A little dot in a big universe. I felt so unimportant sitting there with the night sky, trees and nature all around me. I went back inside and lay down again. I was next to the Shaman's wife and her children. She was sitting up, the children were fast asleep beside her on their mats, then she started playing a metal drum with her fingers. She was oozing warmth and peace. As she sat there she turned into the most beautiful white wolf. I saw the fur on her back and felt her maternal protection. She was on guard. I curled round her back and felt so safe and warm. I was part of the pack. I was a lone lame wolf, an outsider, but she had accepted me as one of her own and allowed me to lay with her children. I was told that even though some of us are without parents and have been outcast in some way or another, there is always someone who will accept us for what we are and allow us into their lives.

Three white wolves appeared over the children's heads. they were sitting in a sphinx-like position. Her daughter turned towards me in her sleep and out of her chest came a white wolf's head. None of these wolves were aggressive in any way, alert but not bad and it felt they were there for protection and togetherness. A pack togetherness

I looked towards the roof and white wolves came down from it, like they were walking down stairs very quietly and slowly, except there were no stairs. they disappeared when they reached the floor

I went outside again and an energy was whizzing round the cabana very fast and making a buzzing sound. Four Native North American Indian Chiefs came, but only the end one on the right spoke. 'I'm here again, ' I said. 'Yes we know,' he said. 'Have I let you down?' said I. 'No you have not let us down, but try to be a better person and remember what we have taught you' I said I would. Then they left

I started to cry, and it felt like I was getting out all the pain of the last year or so when I had to face the deceivers who had come into my life. I now know it was a test of my strength and tenacity. A path set out for me to walk, so that I would be wiser and stronger and able to see inside people for what they really are before they do any damage. I was being prepared then, I can do it now. I am a mirror and I can see your true reflection

Ayahuasca can make you cry. She's got me a few times I can tell you. It is one way of purging. Some purge by being sick, others by running to the loo, some both. Crying is another way of getting rid of baggage and ego. Never be ashamed to cry as long as it is for the right reasons. It is a normal reaction for a compassionate person to go to someone who is purging by crying after drinking Aya. That person can do nothing. It is for you to deal with alone, no-one can help you. You don't want anyone to help you. The only time you are truly alone is when you are on your Ayahuasca journey, I hope we have the courage to walk the walk she has planned for us

I went and sat by the fire watching it dance with a few of the others. No-one said very much, they didn't need to. One of the ladies once said this ... 'A true friend is someone with whom you can sit with, but none of you have to say a word to each other. They are there with you, and you just know they are a true friend'

How true that is ...