Third Journey - He ain't heavy... He's my jaguar

This was to be my 16th Cup of Ayahuasca. Before we all assembled in the cabana where the ceremony was to take place I had the sudden urge to play some music from my mobile. I listened to 'Return To Innocence' by Enigma, a particular fave of mine as the words relate to me. I then played 'Rooms On Fire' by Stevie Nicks. A friend who was with me liked the song as it reminded her of her daughter. I joked that I shouldn't play 'I Predict A Riot' by The Kaiser Chiefs as it was not the right time. She agreed with a giggle.

At the start of this ceremony I could see that a lot of my friends were tired, some didn't want to drink and some were a little apprehensive. Anyway we all did and once the Aya had taken us to wherever she had taken us my journey began

I didn't see any swirling colours or strange faces this time only blackness. My head felt heavy and I was inbetween spaces. I was here yet not here. I was in a space between this world and another, yet I was aware of what was happening here. I sat up on my mat and there was no energy, no atmosphere, nothing. I was outside looking in. It was like I had died and was in a space between the living and the dead.

I felt a jaguar on my back and he put his paws on my shoulders, he was so heavy. His paws were very big. I could feel him trying to bite my head but he gave up after a while. It didn't hurt either. He was going to stay with me and I knew this was to make me strong. I started to gently claw down the blanket over my legs with both hands. It felt comforting to do this and so right.

After a while I went outside, the jaguar had gone. I was standing up against one of the pillars and I was on guard. I felt I had to guard. One of the others came walking towards me in a bright red blanket swinging a bottle that was lit up. He said it was a magic bottle! I later wondered how I had seen the colour red in the dark as I saw him from a distance

He put the bottle on the ground and another of the men kept walking up to it, pointing at it and laughing! It felt like I was in some sort of comedy show and I started to laugh with them, but I was still outside looking in. I was with them but not with them

I suddenly felt it was time to go, so I went back to my mat and fell asleep. When I woke up there was food on offer and as we had fasted all day I was hungry. I tried to get up but it felt like I had been whacked round the head with a cricket bat. I was dazed and weak. It felt like I had been somewhere else and had returned

I have been in that space between this life and the next. We do not die, we move on to another place. There is no God, there is no heaven, there is no hell, just another place we go to

And I promise you there is nothing to fear

Second Journey - Andy the Lion Heart

The start of my second journey was a bit of an arse-kicking. Once the Aya had kicked in I started to see swirling colours and strange faces. I had asked the Shaman the day before who they were and he said they were people from other dimensions. The first time this happened it made me feel dizzy and my head hurt and I tolerated it, but this time each time my head felt it was going to burst, I opened my eyes and it went away only to return again when I closed my eyes. After doing this a few times a voice said 'You are pathetic!' when I had my eyes closed. So I opened them and the voice said it again and it was not pleased. 'You are pathetic, what do you want? To write your own script? Do you want to choose what you see? Do you want a list of Ayahuasca journeys you can choose from? Who the hell do you think you are? I was being kicked under my back and it bloody hurt! I sat up and lit a cigarette feeling very small and humble, thinking 'What was that for?' I knew damn well what it was for, it was for being a little shit

The princess came and told me to look for that inner strength, the one we women have deep down inside. She had said this before to me but she came and said it again. I asked what I should do about the people who had made my life a misery for the past year, how do I handle it I asked. My grandfather only has one sister left and she is approaching 90 years old now and I saw her. Yet it was her husband who had passed away two years ago who came and told me that if it was hurting me to walk away from it, those who have done wrong will surely get their just deserts he said

A man came who I did not know, and we were standing outside a grey house which looked like a mill. He said he once lived there and that he was a painter. I thought maybe he was one of my ancestors. He said someone had followed him to Herefordshire.  My sister lives there so perhaps it is her. I asked him who he was but he just said what he had to say ignoring my questions and pointing at the house, then he disappeared

When people come to you when you are on an Aya journey you tend to ask questions but don't always receive a reply. It's more about listening than speaking and sometimes you just listen because you know that is what you have to do. I have stood before gigantic Shamans and just knew I had to shut up and listen!

A jaguar came into the cabana, walked all the way around and then disappeared. I don't know where he went. I went outside and one of the men was staring at the fire, he was putting his hands into it and withdrawing them very slowly, like he was seeing how long he could hold each one there before it felt too hot. I was sitting outside watching him for a while and was aware that out in the grass, animals were watching him too. Lots of them. I knew they were there

I went to sit on a chair outside, and was sitting there very quietly when I heard a low cat-like growl. I froze and my heart started thumping. I thought maybe it was the jaguar that had come back, and I had just heard the noise in my head. Then it happened again, and by this time it seemed really close to where I was sitting. I started to get a bit nervous. I remembered that Oswaldo had told us a day or two earlier the difference between the noise of a puma and the noise of a jaguar. This was neither. Then there was an almighty roar and I shot off my chair and scarpered to my mat. It turned out it was my friend who was at one of the back fences roaring his heart out! The same friend who had been playing with the fire with the animals watching him

A porcupine decided to come and visit us that night, he was wandering around outside the toilets, scaring anyone who thought he wasn't real

Once again, a few of us sat round the fire and just enjoyed each others company without saying much, until we all eventually came back into The Matrix

First Journey - The White Wolf Spirit

I was invited to go back to Brazil in August this year, my friends had built a house there and had decided to have a house warming which involved Ayahuasca ceremonies! We stayed at a place close by called Pousada Do Parque owned by Oswaldo Murad. It was a lovely place.

This was to be my first Ayahuasca ceremony for a long time, and I was a bit nervous as to how the plant would treat me after so long. A lot of things had happened in my life that I was told would happen and I would face difficult challenges. I overcame them and now it was time to go back to the plant and see what she would make of me. My life had changed, I had changed, but was it for the better?

Most of the group had drank before and there was only one lady who hadn't, but she was very brave and joined us. It takes courage to drink Ayahuasca, and it doesn't matter how many times you drink it, it still does. The reason it takes courage is because she shows you yourself. You may not like what you see or hear or learn, but you have to completely let go of any fear and ego, and be prepared to go through pain, even die if necessary to be healed and awakened. Of course not all journeys are like that, sometimes your journey is very peaceful and calm but other times it isn't. Each time is so different.

The people I was drinking with were lovely people, and there was a great atmosphere and lots of friendliness around. We were a family.

After I had drank I lay down on my mat and the Shaman began playing his music and singing. I saw swirling colours and strange faces, some were a bit scary and I was a bit scared as this was very intense. The colours were making me feel sick. My head hurt and the roof of the cabana was bouncing up and down very hard and loudly like it was going to fly off at any given moment. The noise was so loud! As this was going on, my right ankle was being massaged and it was like someone was bouncing it up and down. I had fallen down a divot earlier and wrenched it. The pain went away

I thought I as going to be sick so got up and I could walk without limping. I went outside and bent over with my arms across my tummy, with my legs straight wanting to heave. I wasn't sick because a gust of wind blew me backwards and I landed on my arse. The wind felt so cold on my face it made me feel so awake and the nausea went away. There was no gust of wind, there were only slight breezes all week, but I know what I felt. Then I saw a friend who I hadn't seen for a long while who has chosen not to speak to me anymore. I held out my hand to him, but he walked away from me and disappeared. That made me sad

I then saw the princess standing by the fire, she was in a wedding dress and she was looking at the stars. This made me smile. She always comes at some point or another, and she was holding a packet of crisps in her right hand close to her dress

I sat down on the floor with my blanket round me looking at the stars. A voice told me to look at them and how beautiful they were. I felt so small and insignificant. A little dot in a big universe. I felt so unimportant sitting there with the night sky, trees and nature all around me. I went back inside and lay down again. I was next to the Shaman's wife and her children. She was sitting up, the children were fast asleep beside her on their mats, then she started playing a metal drum with her fingers. She was oozing warmth and peace. As she sat there she turned into the most beautiful white wolf. I saw the fur on her back and felt her maternal protection. She was on guard. I curled round her back and felt so safe and warm. I was part of the pack. I was a lone lame wolf, an outsider, but she had accepted me as one of her own and allowed me to lay with her children. I was told that even though some of us are without parents and have been outcast in some way or another, there is always someone who will accept us for what we are and allow us into their lives.

Three white wolves appeared over the children's heads. they were sitting in a sphinx-like position. Her daughter turned towards me in her sleep and out of her chest came a white wolf's head. None of these wolves were aggressive in any way, alert but not bad and it felt they were there for protection and togetherness. A pack togetherness

I looked towards the roof and white wolves came down from it, like they were walking down stairs very quietly and slowly, except there were no stairs. they disappeared when they reached the floor

I went outside again and an energy was whizzing round the cabana very fast and making a buzzing sound. Four Native North American Indian Chiefs came, but only the end one on the right spoke. 'I'm here again, ' I said. 'Yes we know,' he said. 'Have I let you down?' said I. 'No you have not let us down, but try to be a better person and remember what we have taught you' I said I would. Then they left

I started to cry, and it felt like I was getting out all the pain of the last year or so when I had to face the deceivers who had come into my life. I now know it was a test of my strength and tenacity. A path set out for me to walk, so that I would be wiser and stronger and able to see inside people for what they really are before they do any damage. I was being prepared then, I can do it now. I am a mirror and I can see your true reflection

Ayahuasca can make you cry. She's got me a few times I can tell you. It is one way of purging. Some purge by being sick, others by running to the loo, some both. Crying is another way of getting rid of baggage and ego. Never be ashamed to cry as long as it is for the right reasons. It is a normal reaction for a compassionate person to go to someone who is purging by crying after drinking Aya. That person can do nothing. It is for you to deal with alone, no-one can help you. You don't want anyone to help you. The only time you are truly alone is when you are on your Ayahuasca journey, I hope we have the courage to walk the walk she has planned for us

I went and sat by the fire watching it dance with a few of the others. No-one said very much, they didn't need to. One of the ladies once said this ... 'A true friend is someone with whom you can sit with, but none of you have to say a word to each other. They are there with you, and you just know they are a true friend'

How true that is ...