Ayahuasca - My Healer

Third Journey - He ain't heavy... He's my jaguar

2011-08-28T21:08:00.009+01:00

This was to be my 16th Cup of Ayahuasca. Before we all assembled in the cabana where the ceremony was to take place I had the sudden urge to play some music from my mobile. I listened to 'Return To Innocence' by Enigma, a particular fave of mine as the words relate to me. I then played 'Rooms On Fire' by Stevie Nicks. A friend who was with me liked the song as it reminded her of her daughter. I joked that I shouldn't play 'I Predict A Riot' by The Kaiser Chiefs as it was not the right time. She agreed with a giggle.

At the start of this ceremony I could see that a lot of my friends were tired, some didn't want to drink and some were a little apprehensive. Anyway we all did and once the Aya had taken us to wherever she had taken us my journey began

I didn't see any swirling colours or strange faces this time only blackness. My head felt heavy and I was inbetween spaces. I was here yet not here. I was in a space between this world and another, yet I was aware of what was happening here. I sat up on my mat and there was no energy, no atmosphere, nothing. I was outside looking in. It was like I had died and was in a space between the living and the dead.

I felt a jaguar on my back and he put his paws on my shoulders, he was so heavy. His paws were very big. I could feel him trying to bite my head but he gave up after a while. It didn't hurt either. He was going to stay with me and I knew this was to make me strong. I started to gently claw down the blanket over my legs with both hands. It felt comforting to do this and so right.

After a while I went outside, the jaguar had gone. I was standing up against one of the pillars and I was on guard. I felt I had to guard. One of the others came walking towards me in a bright red blanket swinging a bottle that was lit up. He said it was a magic bottle! I later wondered how I had seen the colour red in the dark as I saw him from a distance

He put the bottle on the ground and another of the men kept walking up to it, pointing at it and laughing! It felt like I was in some sort of comedy show and I started to laugh with them, but I was still outside looking in. I was with them but not with them

I suddenly felt it was time to go, so I went back to my mat and fell asleep. When I woke up there was food on offer and as we had fasted all day I was hungry. I tried to get up but it felt like I had been whacked round the head with a cricket bat. I was dazed and weak. It felt like I had been somewhere else and had returned

I have been in that space between this life and the next. We do not die, we move on to another place. There is no God, there is no heaven, there is no hell, just another place we go to

And I promise you there is nothing to fear

Second Journey - Andy the Lion Heart

2011-08-28T20:41:00.007+01:00

The start of my second journey was a bit of an arse-kicking. Once the Aya had kicked in I started to see swirling colours and strange faces. I had asked the Shaman the day before who they were and he said they were people from other dimensions. The first time this happened it made me feel dizzy and my head hurt and I tolerated it, but this time each time my head felt it was going to burst, I opened my eyes and it went away only to return again when I closed my eyes. After doing this a few times a voice said 'You are pathetic!' when I had my eyes closed. So I opened them and the voice said it again and it was not pleased. 'You are pathetic, what do you want? To write your own script? Do you want to choose what you see? Do you want a list of Ayahuasca journeys you can choose from? Who the hell do you think you are? I was being kicked under my back and it bloody hurt! I sat up and lit a cigarette feeling very small and humble, thinking 'What was that for?' I knew damn well what it was for, it was for being a little shit

The princess came and told me to look for that inner strength, the one we women have deep down inside. She had said this before to me but she came and said it again. I asked what I should do about the people who had made my life a misery for the past year, how do I handle it I asked. My grandfather only has one sister left and she is approaching 90 years old now and I saw her. Yet it was her husband who had passed away two years ago who came and told me that if it was hurting me to walk away from it, those who have done wrong will surely get their just deserts he said

A man came who I did not know, and we were standing outside a grey house which looked like a mill. He said he once lived there and that he was a painter. I thought maybe he was one of my ancestors. He said someone had followed him to Herefordshire. My sister lives there so perhaps it is her. I asked him who he was but he just said what he had to say ignoring my questions and pointing at the house, then he disappeared

When people come to you when you are on an Aya journey you tend to ask questions but don't always receive a reply. It's more about listening than speaking and sometimes you just listen because you know that is what you have to do. I have stood before gigantic Shamans and just knew I had to shut up and listen!

A jaguar came into the cabana, walked all the way around and then disappeared. I don't know where he went. I went outside and one of the men was staring at the fire, he was putting his hands into it and withdrawing them very slowly, like he was seeing how long he could hold each one there before it felt too hot. I was sitting outside watching him for a while and was aware that out in the grass, animals were watching him too. Lots of them. I knew they were there

I went to sit on a chair outside, and was sitting there very quietly when I heard a low cat-like growl. I froze and my heart started thumping. I thought maybe it was the jaguar that had come back, and I had just heard the noise in my head. Then it happened again, and by this time it seemed really close to where I was sitting. I started to get a bit nervous. I remembered that Oswaldo had told us a day or two earlier the difference between the noise of a puma and the noise of a jaguar. This was neither. Then there was an almighty roar and I shot off my chair and scarpered to my mat. It turned out it was my friend who was at one of the back fences roaring his heart out! The same friend who had been playing with the fire with the animals watching him

A porcupine decided to come and visit us that night, he was wandering around outside the toilets, scaring anyone who thought he wasn't real

Once again, a few of us sat round the fire and just enjoyed each others company without saying much, until we all eventually came back into The Matrix

First Journey - The White Wolf Spirit

2011-08-28T20:36:00.007+01:00

I was invited to go back to Brazil in August this year, my friends had built a house there and had decided to have a house warming which involved Ayahuasca ceremonies! We stayed at a place close by called Pousada Do Parque owned by Oswaldo Murad. It was a lovely place.

This was to be my first Ayahuasca ceremony for a long time, and I was a bit nervous as to how the plant would treat me after so long. A lot of things had happened in my life that I was told would happen and I would face difficult challenges. I overcame them and now it was time to go back to the plant and see what she would make of me. My life had changed, I had changed, but was it for the better?

Most of the group had drank before and there was only one lady who hadn't, but she was very brave and joined us. It takes courage to drink Ayahuasca, and it doesn't matter how many times you drink it, it still does. The reason it takes courage is because she shows you yourself. You may not like what you see or hear or learn, but you have to completely let go of any fear and ego, and be prepared to go through pain, even die if necessary to be healed and awakened. Of course not all journeys are like that, sometimes your journey is very peaceful and calm but other times it isn't. Each time is so different.

The people I was drinking with were lovely people, and there was a great atmosphere and lots of friendliness around. We were a family.

After I had drank I lay down on my mat and the Shaman began playing his music and singing. I saw swirling colours and strange faces, some were a bit scary and I was a bit scared as this was very intense. The colours were making me feel sick. My head hurt and the roof of the cabana was bouncing up and down very hard and loudly like it was going to fly off at any given moment. The noise was so loud! As this was going on, my right ankle was being massaged and it was like someone was bouncing it up and down. I had fallen down a divot earlier and wrenched it. The pain went away

I thought I as going to be sick so got up and I could walk without limping. I went outside and bent over with my arms across my tummy, with my legs straight wanting to heave. I wasn't sick because a gust of wind blew me backwards and I landed on my arse. The wind felt so cold on my face it made me feel so awake and the nausea went away. There was no gust of wind, there were only slight breezes all week, but I know what I felt. Then I saw a friend who I hadn't seen for a long while who has chosen not to speak to me anymore. I held out my hand to him, but he walked away from me and disappeared. That made me sad

I then saw the princess standing by the fire, she was in a wedding dress and she was looking at the stars. This made me smile. She always comes at some point or another, and she was holding a packet of crisps in her right hand close to her dress

I sat down on the floor with my blanket round me looking at the stars. A voice told me to look at them and how beautiful they were. I felt so small and insignificant. A little dot in a big universe. I felt so unimportant sitting there with the night sky, trees and nature all around me. I went back inside and lay down again. I was next to the Shaman's wife and her children. She was sitting up, the children were fast asleep beside her on their mats, then she started playing a metal drum with her fingers. She was oozing warmth and peace. As she sat there she turned into the most beautiful white wolf. I saw the fur on her back and felt her maternal protection. She was on guard. I curled round her back and felt so safe and warm. I was part of the pack. I was a lone lame wolf, an outsider, but she had accepted me as one of her own and allowed me to lay with her children. I was told that even though some of us are without parents and have been outcast in some way or another, there is always someone who will accept us for what we are and allow us into their lives.

Three white wolves appeared over the children's heads. they were sitting in a sphinx-like position. Her daughter turned towards me in her sleep and out of her chest came a white wolf's head. None of these wolves were aggressive in any way, alert but not bad and it felt they were there for protection and togetherness. A pack togetherness

I looked towards the roof and white wolves came down from it, like they were walking down stairs very quietly and slowly, except there were no stairs. they disappeared when they reached the floor

I went outside again and an energy was whizzing round the cabana very fast and making a buzzing sound. Four Native North American Indian Chiefs came, but only the end one on the right spoke. 'I'm here again, ' I said. 'Yes we know,' he said. 'Have I let you down?' said I. 'No you have not let us down, but try to be a better person and remember what we have taught you' I said I would. Then they left

I started to cry, and it felt like I was getting out all the pain of the last year or so when I had to face the deceivers who had come into my life. I now know it was a test of my strength and tenacity. A path set out for me to walk, so that I would be wiser and stronger and able to see inside people for what they really are before they do any damage. I was being prepared then, I can do it now. I am a mirror and I can see your true reflection

Ayahuasca can make you cry. She's got me a few times I can tell you. It is one way of purging. Some purge by being sick, others by running to the loo, some both. Crying is another way of getting rid of baggage and ego. Never be ashamed to cry as long as it is for the right reasons. It is a normal reaction for a compassionate person to go to someone who is purging by crying after drinking Aya. That person can do nothing. It is for you to deal with alone, no-one can help you. You don't want anyone to help you. The only time you are truly alone is when you are on your Ayahuasca journey, I hope we have the courage to walk the walk she has planned for us

I went and sat by the fire watching it dance with a few of the others. No-one said very much, they didn't need to. One of the ladies once said this ... 'A true friend is someone with whom you can sit with, but none of you have to say a word to each other. They are there with you, and you just know they are a true friend'

How true that is ...

Brazil September 2009 - Susie in the Valley of the Deceivers

2009-09-25T22:33:00.001+01:00

Another trip to The Heart of the Initiate Workshop in Brazil and another 3 journeys after drinking Ayahuasca. The final one was my 13th journey

Before I went on this trip I was plagued with nightmares of demons. My personal and working life was plagued with upheaval and distress and I needed answers ....

Thank you to my friend CP for the title!!

1st Journey - Who Is The Greatest Deceiver?

2009-09-25T21:43:00.000+01:00

My first journey was all about deception. I got the distinct message that all around me was falseness and deception. I was given a lot of questions ....

Was someone there for the right reasons or were they there out of fear of saying 'No' ...

Was someone there because they thought they were someone and wanted to show off their ego ....

Was someone there to learn about the plant or were they there to sample what they thought was a drug they hadn't tried ...

Was someone just tolerating others to look 'nice' whereas in other circumstances they would not give them the time of day ....

Was someone just telling others what they wanted to hear instead of the truth ...

Was someone hoping for something to happen to them because they thought that because they drank Ayahuasca they were some form of super hero ...

Was someone trying to deceive the others in the group for their own gain ...

Were there liars and cheats among us ....

And me, was I there because I wanted to learn more or because I thought I too was a super hero?

A demon appeared walking down the steps of a pyramid. The steps were on the outside, he was wearing a crown. He stabbed me through the heart with a dagger saying "Who is the greatest deceiver?" It hurt a bit I can tell you

After he had decided to hurt me, I again kept hearing statements. I was told about how vanity can make us look ugly. How greed can make us look stupid, how selfishness can make us look hideous and how ego can make us look a fool.

I was also told a few of my own faults as well and I took a long look at myself

I was told we cannot be involved in any deception to be free, we have to be as genuine as we can and be as honest as we can. We should not deceive ourselves and others. We should not live our lives to look good to others, but for ourselves

I saw two of my friends in rooms full of mirrors and they were looking at themselves. I was told that you do not just look at what is in front of your face, but rather what is beyond that, and you must not try to see something that is not there.

I saw a lady of our group smiling in a cameo on the front of a jewelled box. The box opened and a jewelled crown came floating upwards out of it. The crown shattered into tiny pieces and was destroyed

We should have the courage to drink the Ayahuasca without wanting all our expectations to be met. We cannot write the script, we cannot write our own journey, we cannot tell the plant what we want, but rather accept the gifts she gives us. Accept what we see on our journeys for our own knowledge and healing

The lesson I learned was that we cannot have everything we want, but if we go to the plant with an open heart she will give us what we need, not what we demand of her

I thought Ayahuasca had taught me all I needed to know ..... Wrong!

The upheaval I experienced in the weeks in the run up to this trip happened to show me deception, when I got there I saw deception and in my journey the demon of deception showed himself as the ruler over me. He appeared to show me the hurt deception causes

I was told by a beautiful lady that our tribe is all right as long as we are prepared to learn and not decide for ourselves what is the beginning or the end. She said we are not the ones to decide. She said this as she waved at me before she disappeared, smiling

I know nothing, I am nothing and she showed me I know nothing. I deceived myself into thinking I was some sort of super hero and I got my arse kicked ....

However, once that was over I saw a lady who I call 'Princess' She gave me a pink rose and reminded me that I knew where it was from. She asked me to give it to her husband who was journeying close by. I said I couldn't at that moment as he was lying down on a journey but she insisted. I said I was a bit dubious to go over to him as I may frighten him, so she said I had to promise to give it to him when he awoke. I said I would, and I did.

2nd Journey - The King Has Lost His Crown

2009-09-25T21:21:00.000+01:00

On my second journey a lady kept appearing and kissing me on the face saying "Do not be afraid Susie" Then the same demon came wearing the crown. He again was coming down the steps of the pyramid. He had the same dagger in his hand and he came to stab me right through the heart again. A Shaman came and shot the demon through the heart with a bow and arrow. He then put his nose on mine before he changed into a white jaguar and I could feel the fur on my face. He was such a beautiful animal until he ripped my face off and it felt like the real me was being exposed

My teeth started chattering uncontrollably and I could feel fangs growing in my mouth. I knew I had a furry face and I could smell the trees, grass and everything around me, even the people. I could hear for miles and could hear the flies and mosquitos on the beach which was a fair way away. I started to make the noises a big cat would make and could not stop myself from doing it. I was a jaguar and it felt fantastic. My senses were so heightened and the Shaman told me I was as strong as the jaguar

I kept making the hissing and spitting noises for a while longer. After the journey when we were having some soup, one of the ladies in the group said she kept hearing a cat like noise and it woke her up. She started laughing when I said it was me. Then she said that she was laughing because the man next to her kept getting up wondering where the noise was coming from as it woke him up too. I stopped doing it for a while and he went back into his journey, but I started doing it again and he woke up with a start saying "Oh for fuck's sake!"

After that I saw an very old native South American lady smoking a pipe with a long holder. She smiled at me and said "Welcome" She then turned into a very old Tibetan Shaman who also smiled at me and said "I have something to tell you" I asked what it was, and he said " You will remember me when you see it" Then he disappeared

Charming, I thought ....

I woke up not long after that and went for a walk. I could not stop myself curling up into a ball and I still felt like I had the heart and strength of the jaguar ready to do battle

3rd Journey - Who Do You Think You Are ??

2009-09-25T20:34:00.000+01:00

After my first journey, which had left me feeling like a worthless piece of rag, it suddenly dawned on me that I had gone to Brazil thinking I knew who I was. After this journey, I now knew who I was not. This was the thirteenth time I had drank the medicine and in past journeys I had literally had my ego, vanity, pride and impatience kicked out of me, yet I had obviously not learnt from it so the plant decided to give me a reminder

I was not some great Ayahuasquera, I was not someone special, I was not some super hero because I had drank Ayahuasca so many times. My ego was shattered into little pieces and I had been smacked round the back of the head for even thinking I was someone who had got the message

During the week I saw vanity, I saw selfishness, I saw anger and I saw fear. I saw doubt, ego, greed and jealousy. They were put in front of me for a reason, to make me aware of these emotions and what harm they can do, and how stupid they make you look

The plant did everything she could to knock these things out of me. I was run over by a train, smacked round the face, attacked by demons and snakes slithered all round me. Incidentally, one of the other men in the group had also been run over by a train in his journey on the same night. He asked if anyone had seen the train crash, he had been run over by it first too. I said I had, it was like it ran over you and then crashed

After that, I kept seeing religious icons. Matt was at my left side laughing, I asked why I was being shown these things as I am not a religious person. Matt carried on laughing. His friend was standing in front of him and each time an icon of Mary carrying baby Jesus appeared or an angel or Jesus on the cross, he pulled the picture away saying "That is an illusion." I was getting a bit frustrated and kept saying, "What do you want me to look at then?" But he kept doing it and Matt kept laughing. I used to be religious and it was like my head was being emptied of all the teachings about religion I had ever put into it

I fell into a deep sleep after that and woke up seven and a half hours later feeling like I had been in some sort of coma. However, I did feel that I had been given the message that the things we are taught in this world are not always true, the religious teachings we are taught are illusions, our heads are stuffed full of so much crap it is hard to empty your head of it. The visions we see under Ayahuasca are also illusions. They are not real, they are there to teach us just as the religion we learnt at school tried to teach us. The plant uses an illusion to show you your faults, your true nature and uses illusions to show you the real truth, not what people want you to believe or what you want to believe yourself

We are born with no ego, vanity, selfishness, doubt, anger or greed. It is only during our lives we collect these things. We are not the important human beings we think we are, we have wrecked our brains thinking we know everything, control everything and own everything. We think we can do and have what we want, we are the nastiest animal on this planet and the sad thing is, it is very true. We want all our own way even when we know we are wrong

As I sit here 3 days later I still feel like I am in a daze. I reflect on all the bad things I have ever done in my life and I am truly sorry. As a tribe we have made a complete arse of everything. We went to the plant thinking we were special and wanted our own way, we wanted to control her. We took part in deception, even though the plant showed us deception before we went to Brazil in the form of actions by others, and deception in the people who were there. We did not listen, we did not see and carried on thinking we could control everything. We have been so wrong

We have had access to the greatest plant teacher on the earth used for centuries by the ancients, abused it and learned nothing ....

Brazil - March 2009

2009-03-23T22:19:00.000Z

This visit to the Heart of the Initiate Workshop in Brazil was not a usual workshop week. There were to be three Ayahuasca ceremonies and that was all. None of the other workshop activities were to take place, no sharings, no lectures, no Lakota Indian ceremonies and no opening or closing circle ceremonies.

This had a definite impact on the week as I will explain later and I was with the usual tribe with whom I had drank Ayahuasca before

First Journey - The Female of the Species

2009-03-23T22:15:00.000Z

It took a while for anything to happen on my first journey as there was no 'white noise' no feeling of nausea or rumblings in the tummy. I closed my eyes and lay down on my mat waiting for my journey to begin. Some people had only drank a little, some the normal amount the Shaman gives you and others as much as they liked! However, I did get the feeling that some were not enthusiastic about drinking Ayahuasca for their own reasons.

The Shaman was playing his music and singing, I listened to the Shaman for a while and after what seemed like an age I found myself in a bright green jungle with trees and brightly coloured flowers all around, reds, yellows, blues etc. The grass was so lush and green. A lioness came right up to my face and she was beautiful, yet I sensed her power. She looked into my eyes, turned and walked away. Next came a black female jaguar, her green eyes stared into mine as she too walked away. I then saw in succession an owl, a turtle and a monkey. The lioness kept returning to me.

All female
All mothers

I looked down at the grass beneath me, all was quiet and a lady's hand came up from the grass with her fingers outstretched. She beckoned me to put my left hand to hers which I did. As soon as I had done this her fingers interlocked with mine and I felt her warmth.

Mother Earth

Next I was riding a white animal, I do not know what kind of animal it was just that it was furry and had little ears and a wide head. It was strong and powerful, and quite large as my legs were stretched out on her back. She took me towards a bright yellow light, as bright as the sun.

My next visions were of native American Indians which decided to appear on the roof of the cabana we were in. There were both male and female. The roof of the maloca then opened up like a trap door, first the right door then the left. I could now see all the stars and the night sky. Bright white lights appeared on the roof of the cabana. They were rod shaped and moving down the beams towards the corner where the Shaman was. If any of you have ever burned magnesium in chemistry class, you will understand how bright they were. I once into trouble at school for setting fire to a whole coil of the stuff which is how I remember it. I got detention for wasting the school's resources. I also used to hot up empty test tubes on the Bunsen Burner and put them back into the wooden racks as well. I got away with that for ages until one day Peter Gawkrodger spoilt it for me, and decide to faint in class holding two fingers up, as I was heating my latest weapon.

I gazed at the stars for ages and I could feel that the natives were still with me. I could feel their presence, although they did not speak to me. It was a very happy feeling and atmosphere. However, I was aware of the others who by now had come out of their journeys and I could hear them talking and walking around.

I saw my husband standing next to a drain which was half moon shaped and grey. He had his back to me wearing a beige jacket and a panama hat. The drain was to his left and a blue bottle with a hexagonal base was in the drain lying on its side. The bottom of the bottle was broken from the main part and the edges were all jagged. I sensed much sadness from this sight and saw tears.

I was also shown that the reason the lioness kept returning to me was because the lioness is the one who keeps the pride together, if she didn't the pride would not survive. The lioness is the most sociable of the big cats as she works within a team, whilst other female big cats work alone.

To me this was symbolic of the fact that our tribe must be kept together or we are not going to survive.

Sounds cheesy I know, but if something is shown to me, how the hell can I ignore it??

I staggered down to the cabana for something to eat and a drink and was met by some of the tribe sat in chairs looking very dismal. There was an air of disappointment as they had neither seen or heard anything on their journeys. I was wondering if it was because some of us had our minds on other things, did not want to drink or just something that was meant to be.

The day after, I asked the Shaman via his assistant who can speak English, why he thought some people had seen nothing. He replied that some had not drank enough to see anything, and some had not allowed the plant to do her job, but had rather questioned or held back from her.

I hoped the next ceremony would be different

Second Journey - Down the Rabbit Hole ??

2009-03-23T22:12:00.001Z

I embarked on my second journey a lot quicker than the first. I was pinned down to my mat, and was shown a swirling vortex of bright colours. I kept asking questions such as 'What is this?' and 'What is that?' and 'Why do I have to see this?' I could sense that someone was getting a little irate with me and telling me not to ask so many questions but just 'Let go of yourself and we will take care of you'

That was a little funny because I had a conversation earlier in the day with one of the younger members of the tribe as he was having trouble with the 'letting go' thing, as he had received no visions on the first journey so I was asking him to try his best and he will journey. Now here was I, having the same problem myself.

As I was not paying attention a voice appeared that I did recognise. It was that of my friend and he told me, in a nice way, everything was going to be all right and, 'Now shut up and listen, nothing bad is going to happen to you, it's OK' I did as I was told.

After seeing numerous beautiful ladies of all races, I was taken to a lady who looked a bit like Cleopatra with the Egyptian style eye make up and hair but she had a green face. She held out her hand and a black hole opened up next to her. 'How deep do you want to go Susie?' she said. I was not frightened by this but something made me turn and walk away. On doing this I was met by some small demon like people who gently held my outstretched arms and led me back to the black hole. Down I went and I knew I was going to another world.

On reflection, it must have looked like that Spielberg film called Close Encounters, where the aliens take hold of the volunteers with outstretched arms and lead them into their space ship. Nice, but a scary type of nice.

I was put onto a table in darkness and something was put on my tongue which pressed it down into the floor of my mouth. The time for speaking had come to an end. A strange looking man was looking into my eyes, he had a large head, which looked like an upside down raindrop shape, and a dark green face. I just accepted this situation. It was uncomfortable but all the time I could see the faces of the rest of the tribe with me and I knew I was safe.

I felt a dull ache under my left breast, but nothing painful and I saw a clean vertical cut there in my mind. Something was gently dragged out. My lungs appeared before my eyes complete with trachea and a lady's hands were around them, she was moulding them and rubbing them slowly. It felt like I could not breathe at all but I was alive. All I could feel was the dull ache and my tongue being pressed down and my mouth so dry. I woke up after I was told I was 'OK now' and I was breathing very heavily. I lay down again as I felt so weak.

After a spell of staring at the roof thinking about what had just happened, there was the sound of grunting like some wild pig would make and I struggled to sit up, wondering what the hell was going on. The noise was so loud and was coming from the corner to my right of the cabana we were in. I heard this pig rustle through the bushes at the back of it, and noticed my friend was sitting up and kept turning his head to the right as though he too could hear it. I was going to go over to him and ask if he could hear what I was hearing but was too weak to do so. Besides he may have thought I was crazy. I even heard this pig foraging in the leaves on the ground.

The morning after, I was at the breakfast table and my friend asked if anyone had heard the pig last night. I had already told my husband I had heard this pig and I nearly fell off my chair with surprise, as we had both heard the exact same thing. My friend even mentioned it was at the back of him in the bushes. However, the strange thing was, no-one else had.

I mentioned this to the Shaman the day after and asked if he had heard the pig. He said he had not and neither had his assistant, but if it came again on the last ceremony I was to tell him. It didn't. He also said that there was a wild jungle pig in South American countries, but they are very rare to be seen next to tropical beaches which is where our cabana was!

The day after I felt like I was recovering from a medical operation. I was weak, sleepy, breathless and drained of all energy. It took ages to wear off. It felt like I was recovering from some major trauma, yet I was in no pain and felt peaceful.

I started to wonder if what had happened to me was a healing or a warning. Was it the case that there was something in my lungs that the plant had healed, or was it a wake up call to ditch my nicotine addiction?

Did she give me a new set of lungs as the old ones were knackered or did she show me the damage I was doing to myself?

Were lung transplants possible under Ayahuasca in another dimension?
Do you have to go there to get one?
How did my friend know it was OK?
Was he directed to take me there?

I was driving myself mad asking myself all these questions, but have decided to accept that what I saw and felt was real

Last Journey - Tears, Piers & The Jaguar Nears

2009-03-23T22:07:00.000Z

So far I had interacted with fingers on a hand popping up from the earth, been up close and personal with a lioness, been visited by pigs in the night and sent down the rabbit hole to have bits taken out of me. Yet my last journey was the most powerful of all.

My journey started with me seeing lots of children of all races. I also saw mothers with children. I asked if I could see my children and a my friend who was across from me appeared in my vision. She was very beautiful and was wearing a white robe and an orange beaded necklace. She shone in the light. She said ' Of course Susie, here they are' She held out her hand and our two sons aged 25 and 21 appeared before me. They both said 'Hello Mum' and then it all went back to when they were babies, then toddlers then schoolboys. It was so emotional that I woke up crying. I could not stop myself, but as my tears fell heavily on my blanket I could hear Shamen singing in my ears. It was not our Shaman's voice as he was not sitting on his chair and his wife was sitting on the floor playing an instrument.

I lay down again thinking 'I will stop crying soon' and I did. It was like a wave of emotion came over me and I could not stop the tears from flowing, it was like I was crying for every mother on the earth. My friend was still around in my visions. I could see beautiful ladies' faces but their voices were that of my friend and she kept talking to me. At one point I sat up to see where she was and she was still across from me asleep on her mat. She was reassuring me all the time that everything was OK, and that my children loved me.

Next I was standing at the entrance of a swirling black hole. My husband was there wearing his familiar hat and beige jacket. I took his hand and asked what it was. He said he did not know. Suddenly the voice of my friend appeared again. It was the same friend who had reassured me that to go down the black hole last time was OK.

'Go through' he said, 'It's all right, it is only another dimension. I have been there before so I know it is OK' So we both walked through. There were little yellow lights on the sides and when we got to the end it was all dark yet we could see each other. 'What's he up to ?' My husband said.

'(His name) Where the f**k are we?'

Our friend's voice came from the darkness with a chuckle and said ' I told you it was OK'

I was now in a coffin. I lay there as the two doors banged shut above me. 'Not nice down here is it?' the demon said sat down next to me. He told me that this what we believed happened, put in a box and that was it .... It's not.

In my next vision the Jaguar came and he crawled up my body as I was laying on my mat. He disappeared into me and into my heart. I felt strong. I could feel him in between my feet under my blanket and he moved to my right side and laid down next to me. I woke up stroking my blanket! Yet I could still feel him near me.

Native North American Indians appeared in the cabana and they lined the walls all seated. They bowed forward and held out their hands. A chief held in his hand a string of coloured tobacco packets from the tobacco tying ceremony normally done at the workshop. He smiled at me and told me that I must tell the lady who did this with us 'Thank you' he also said he knew we did this ceremony. He then put the string of colours into my left hand, smiled and disappeared. I saw chiefs with animals on their head dresses such the buffalo and the eagle. The ordinary Indians took me by the hands and led me to a tribe where I saw where they lived, their fires, their dogs, warriors, women and children. Some were on horses and some were just sitting down.

I saw giant Indians sitting on chairs and I only came up to the chair leg. I gazed in awe at these people and they looked down at me. Big, large powerful men.

I found myself in a native South American Indian hut. I saw the thatched roof and they were carrying spears. I saw their head dresses, not as elaborate as the North Americans. I recall how small they were, as I am not very tall myself. They had war paint on their faces.

One came and knelt down beside me on my right side. He held his hands over me palms down, like he was warming his hands in front of a fire. His hands began to hover over my body and I turned in mid air as the same was done to the back of me. He was singing all the time.

A South American Shaman appeared and he was a huge, strong, powerful man. He looked down at me and smiled.

As I lay on my mat snakes appeared and began to entwine themselves first round my arms, then my legs and finally my body. I could feel them slithering all over me, such bright colours they were. I did not feel scared at all, just very content.

Our Shaman was doing a healing ceremony on one of the ladies in our group and his singing compelled me to get up and listen. As he was chanting, little red lights danced on the empty mat next to me and directly behind the Shaman. It was not the reflection of the fire, these lights were small, round and twinkling all over the mat.

Once again, I staggered down to the cabana by the beach for a drink and some food. My friend who had advised we go through the swirling hole came walking down shortly after. I noticed that he had a monkey clinging to his back. It was a little one with a cute face and a bushy tail. I opened my mouth to say '(His name) you've got a ......" but my voice vanished and I could not speak. I decided not to say it again, but save it for a later time as I was obviously not meant to say anything in the first place.

After this journey I started to question why this time had been so different. There had been people who did not want to drink for their own reasons, some only drank a little, others did not seem enthusiastic at all. If you were to ask about their journeys, the usual response was 'It was OK' or 'Yeh, I saw some stuff' but that was as far as it went. It was like no-one wanted to talk about it or share and there was none of the usual anticipation to drink again after each ceremony.

So I asked myself more questions ....

Are we being distracted from the plant and her powers by some unknown force who thinks we have seen too much?
Are we being challenged to see how easy it is to send us back into the dumbed down world?
Is the plant testing us to see how easily we are distracted from her?
Have we just been taking halucogenic drugs or was what we have seen, learned and heard really knowledge that there is more than this 5 sense world?

Have we just been playing silly buggers?

I do not know the answer to my own questions, what I do know is we have all embarked on these journeys, and I cannot help but feel that the throwing together of our tribe was done for a reason. One we do not know about just yet.

Brazil 2008 - Lessons to be learned

2008-10-09T22:28:00.000+01:00

I was given another chance to go to the Heart Of The Initiate Workshop in Brazil in September. There were to be three Ayahuasca Ceremonies in the week I was there.

I managed two....

Before I actually went to this workshop this time I was having dreams that I was in for a bit of a rough ride. All my last journeys had been so gentle and it seemed I was getting a message of, "Right lady, I have been very gentle with you so far, now is the time for you to see for yourself who you really are"

Read on .........

My First Journey - Snakes & Demons

2008-10-09T21:49:00.000+01:00

My first journey began with a feeling of fear and panic. I was confronted by various demons of various colours and horrible faces holding snakes of all shapes and sizes. One decided to put a blue snake up my right nostril which then ran amok in my head, and I felt every squiggle. All this time I was struggling to breathe and decided that this was what it must feel like to die. With a pounding heart I decided not to call the Shaman as I thought it was best that I see what I was meant to see.

The Shaman arrived as The Jaguar, he jumped right into my journey, looked at me and faded away. Such a beautiful animal.

I had no need to call the Shaman as my next vision was one of seeing him in a beautiful place with trees, flowers, grass and rivers. He was sitting cross legged on the grass playing his drums. He began to shift all over the place like he was in a square television screen. It was like he was moving between dimensions. Sometimes he was near to my face, others he was far away. At one point he was so small I could not see him and then he disappeared and it was pitch black, and the music stopped. It went deathly silent.

I was getting very panicky now in the darkness as I was blind, deaf and speechless. I was waving my arms around trying to cry out for help, thinking "Where was the music?" I knew I had to go to the music for help. A bright avenue of trees opened up and I ran down it, past the trees and it was all bright and I could hear the music again. I felt so relieved, I started to cry.

I was transported back in time to some medieval castle walls where I saw military guards carrying machine guns. They had reptilian heads and I was told by the whispering lady that they control everything and they have been around for a very long time. I saw an ancient prison with dungeons, and they were walking up and down in it. I heard the clanking doors behind me as I walked through

I heard the lady singing and she whispered my name into my left ear. Her voice was lovely and she made me feel very safe. She picked me up in her arms and I felt really loved. In my other ear was the singing of a Shaman, and not the one that was with us, with a very deep voice. He was singing the familiar "Way-ay-ay-ay" I had first heard him before in Colombia. I don't know who he is, but he seems to like singing to me.

The lady placed me into a bright yellow swirling tunnel and gently pushed me away from her. I saw myself disappearing towards the end. I was actually waving to myself as I did so and emerged on the Giza plateau in Egypt. I was standing by the Pyramids and the Sphinx.

I was laying on my back with my eyes open staring at the roof when I saw my husband past me and walk over to one of the group and he had a blue shiny bottle in his left hand with a hexagon base. I looked to my left and my husband was still lying on his mat fast asleep journeying with his back to me. I looked again to where I had first seen the other person he went to, and he was not there! Then another man in our group suddenly stood up staring at the empty mat and he was in the position we do when being covered in incense before a ceremony, arms out stretched and legs slightly apart. A bright white light was all around him and I was struggling to cope with the brightness of it all.

One of the ladies from our group appeared and I saw just her face and she said she knew that I hardly ever recycle as I am lazy, but she began to wave her finger at me and said that I must do it from now on as we are damaging the planet. I was a bit startled to see her, but just listened and took it on board anyway, feeling a little bit guilty as she was spot on!

My journey finished with overwhelming peace and tranquillity, albeit I was exhausted by the fear and panic I had witnessed, I was feeling lucky to be alive and that somehow I had been given another chance.

I did not purge all night and the day after was in a bit of a state of shock due to the demons and snakes I had seen the night before. I was a bit depressed all day and kept crying and I kept thinking about what all I had been shown actually meant and why did the lady put me through such hell.

My Second Journey - Out with the old, in with the new...

2008-10-09T20:35:00.000+01:00

My second journey was in the day time and I settled down on my mat to await what was to be. It started off with a feeling of dizziness, followed by me walking into a dark room where a person was sitting on a black wall. This person was all red and had their back to me, head in hands. A trusting, sweet lady's voice said, "Come in little girl, I will show you something." I replied, "What do you want to show me?" Then this person turned round and shouted in an angry voice which sounded very deep, gruff and manly ... "THE DEVIL!!" He turned his head and grinned at me with very large teeth, horns and a huge red face and I was absolutely terrified. He was laughing at me!

I was so scared I ran off into another room and was immediately thrown to the ground. I was on all fours with my head in my hands curled up as I was beaten with canes and kicked all over the place. I felt so much pain and was told that this was all the pain I had ever caused others in my life and now I had to feel what it was like. I crawled off on all fours into a dark tunnel in pain, panicking like hell and struggling to breathe.

I opened my eyes and I was up on all fours on my mat thinking that this was the end of me. My heart was pounding in my chest and I still could not breathe. It felt like a panic attack, and I really thought I was going to die.

I turned round to see the Shaman attending to a lady who needed him across the room. I knew I was on my own, and had to ride this storm as someone needed him more than me. I must have been making noises as the Shaman's wife suddenly jumped up, faced towards me and started to rattle instruments. She was smiling and looked so bright in her yellow dress, she soothed me back to sleep.

I was now standing in another dark room. Suddenly bright orange demonic faces appeared out of the darkness towards my face. I asked who they were and one by one they told me who they were. One was my vanity, my greed, my jealousy, my envy, my stupidity and so on. As soon as they had told me who they were they moved aside to let the other introduce themselves. I was told I could go with them now or turn around and walk out of the door.

I walked out of the door and cried my heart out, feeling a worthless piece of rag.

I saw my brain transparent in my skull in front of me, and it turned bright red and orange. It then started to grow and my own head felt so hot and I felt it explode which was painful, but all the time this was happening I kept getting a message that room was being created for more information and to let it all go. A grey gremlin type alien was working with a tool in each hand on top of my skull, which I could still see in front of me. My brain had returned to normal and he was laughing in this really silly laugh. I in return started to laugh and asked what he was doing. He said through his laughter, I am putting back your sense of humour!

The Shaman jumped into my journey again as the Jaguar and he was looking at me. He then started to gently rotate in front of me.

A wave of absolute peace came over me and I saw a lady's face appear but she kept changing. Each face was so beautiful and I told her so. The last face was the one of the resident masseuse who practices Reiki and she was smiling at me saying, "Susie, do not be afraid" I was so happy to see her.

I floated to a beautiful place by the lady holding my hand where I could see all the universe, stars and the moon. I asked to see my mother from this lady and then I was sat down on a bench under a tree holding hands with a woman with long blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes. I said she was not my mother as my mother had dark hair, eyes and skin. She replied that she was, as this is what she now looks like in the other dimension. She pointed to the stars and told me that my grandfather was in that direction and she pointed to another area and said that was where my step-grandmother was. She told me that we may not be together in the other dimensions and that I had to tell the group to redeem themselves now as it depends on what we are like in this world.

Incidently, my step grandmother was quite a nasty person when she was in this world, so it was not surprising that she was not with my grandfather.

She told me that my husband, children and myself were going to live a long time. Then she showed me faces of my husband and she told me a message for him. She told me a message for a friend and then I was transported back to medieval times and I actually saw Henry the Eighth with really red hair! I was on top of his castle wall looking down on the people below, a bit like a scene out of the film 'Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves' except the reptilians were still around, in the castle, walking round the walls and the lady was telling me things all the time. She left after her last message for a dear friend who was not with us. I did get the shock of my life when I opened my eyes to see his son next to me though! The mat next to me was empty as his son was on a mat in another place when I first entered my journey, so how long he had been there I do not know.

After she had gone, four Native Indian chiefs appeared from the four directions with their faces covered with one arm and their other arms across their backs. I saw the coloured feathers on their heads and their headress beads were the same pattern as my beaded bracelet. They lined up in front of me and I asked who they were. One replied that they could be who I wanted them to be. Did I want them to be my teachers and listen to them or to my own stupidity? I felt like I was a little girl being told off, so I just listened.

They told me to stop worrying like I do all the time, they told me that I have been given another chance and my pain has now gone. They told me that the earth, stars, universe belongs to us all. They told me to appreciate the joy of having a new life now and that I must stop crying for my mother and feeling sorry for myself due to the childhood I had. The past is gone and I must live for the future.

They told me I was a special person. As all this was going on I felt like I was not worthy to be told all this or visited by these people. They also told me that our Shaman was very tired and that I had no need to have any healing from him as they had healed me and I was free. They said that because I had opened my heart to them they accepted me. They told me to go now and live with my new peace.

After they had left my vision, the whole place turned into an Indian camp. I saw people of all ages, children, dogs, fires, wigwams etc. I knew the four grandfathers were still there as I could feel them and the whole place was filled with this wonderful energy. I could feel the spirits all around.

When I woke my beaded bracelet which had been tied four times was hanging loose by one single tie. I slipped it onto my right hand and as I did so I felt a bolt of something like electricity run up my left arm and saw red sparks crackle from the bracelet. Also there was a small fresh clean cut on the underside of my left thumb, like a perfectly straight paper cut. I do not know how it got there as I had not walked about all night.

I still did not purge that night, and the day after I felt so glad to be alive!

My Third Journey (Not!)

2008-10-09T19:38:00.000+01:00

I was all ready for my last journey, laying on my mat waiting for the others to arrive. I suddenly got a strange feeling that there was a bit of bad energy floating around the place I was in, yet it was nothing to do with the few people who were in there at the time. I felt really depressed and it was as if the atmosphere had gone flat. I could sense something was wrong, but was not sure what it was. I felt an emptiness around the place and had a feeling that there were some entities in the place with us that were not nice. It felt like I was part of a circular chain and the chain had been broken.

My husband arrived and told me that he was still not able to go through another ceremony and something made me jump up, collect my things and swiftly vacate the place.

My husband had been having messages all day telling him he was not to drink that night as it was not right. He had agreed to turn up and drink just a little so he could be there for me, just enough to "put him under"

We went back to our bungalow and talked. He said that a few of our tribe had gone out into the town and we decided to try to find them. Once we did, it was like a wave of warm energy blew towards me on seeing them. One asked why I was looking so down and I replied that I did not think I was looking like that. However, once he had said that the "chain being broken" feeling came again, but quickly passed.

* * * *

During the workshop we took part in a North American Indian Lakota tobacco tying tradition where you put tobacco and an intention into different coloured pieces of cloth and tie them in a row on a string in a certain order.

I was sitting on a mat with a person on either side of me, and I don't know why, but I had to go outside as I began to feel dizzy, my ears could hear a high pitched hum and my hands started shaking before we started and I had to go outside. I was physically sick in a bush.

Why this was so I do not know, but I have learned that the plant has given me a form of sensitivity which I cannot explain. Maybe she has given me a gift.

On the way off the plane from Sao Paulo to London Heathrow I was approached by a Customs Official as soon as I had put one foot on English soil. As he was asking me various questions he looked into my eyes and I purposely maintained direct eye contact with him. His eyes pierced into mine. He bent down with his head on one side till his face was a couple of inches off mine and it was like he was reading me. So I read him. He had very dark eyes and I saw the evil in them. I was not afraid but I saw right through into his soul. I was a bit miffed not only that he had singled me out of the group whilst I was in a great hurry to catch my next plane, but also because I was sad that there are people on this planet who take joy in trying to intimidate others with such black hearts.

After I had collected my luggage we ran to the train to the next terminal. If we had not passed a lady from our tribe who raised her hand at us waving as we ran along, I would not have noticed that this very same man had been watching us from a short distance. He looked at me directly again with his arms folded and again I noticed his eyes.

I smiled sweetly to his face, wondering if I had, at last, come face to face with a reptilian .....

Colombia 2008

2008-03-09T16:00:00.001Z

I also drank Ayahuasca at the end of February 2008 and this time was in Colombia. There were six of us, as well as the Shaman and his two assistants.

Again this was organised by a wonderful man who is so kind, and the Heart of the Initiate team.

We stayed with a nice family who had a lovely old Chow dog called Gonzo; the relevance to his mentioning will become clearer later.

The ceremonies took place in the on site maloca which was a very peaceful place but with very strong energy vibes as I found out later. We also took part in two Inipi sweat lodge ceremonies.

This is a true account of my experiences

The First Journey - The Magical Maloca

2008-03-09T15:57:00.000Z

When I drank Aya in Brazil, I asked many questions of the plant. Some of the answers I got straight away, others months later. This time I decided to allow the Goddess to show me what she thought I needed to know. The Aya medicine was mixed in a way as to be like treacle. So you had to take it from a spoon, put it in your mouth then swallow the ball of goo in one gulp. Then after you had mastered that, you had to lick the spoon clean. This left you with sticky lips and black teeth! Some of the group cheated with toothpaste tucked away to rub on their teeth to take the taste away as well as tiny sweets to do the same (You know who you are, you wimps!)

One of our tribe got food poisoning the day of this ceremony, but the Shaman let them join in without drinking as he was fast asleep on his mat feeling very ill.

I drifted off

First I saw three people come walking towards me wearing black plain robes, with black pointed hoods. Then I was shown the circular roof of the maloca but it was not the same as when I entered it, it had wooden carvings all around it and I floated all the way around looking at it all.

Someone picked up my left wrist very gently and looked at the beaded bracelet I was wearing for a while then put my wrist back down on the mat, again really gently. A Shaman appeared with long straight black hair in a pony tail which was tied halfway down his back. He was also wearing white robes and a white hat kneeling next to our friend who was ill. He was fast asleep but I saw this Shaman fanning leaves over him and could see him chanting but there was no sound. It was not the Shaman we had sitting in the maloca

Gonzo the Chow dog then appeared beside me, and turned into a white wolf with bright blue eyes so I began to stroke him and he was happy, telling me he was once as I see him now. He also told me to take his senses and see how he sees the world for a while.

Then he ran off into the woods and as he did a white horse ran out from the trees galloping very fast right past me.

A massive glass pyramid was the next vision with light behind it so that all the colours of the rainbow shone through it. I saw my husband walk towards this pyramid and he was looking up at it as he did so. He disappeared and a black silhouette appeared inside it, but I could not see who it was. Then I got the message that 2012 was coming.

Every flag of every country of the world appeared before my eyes in a circular motion and I saw them all as if I was in some sort of arena. Hordes of people came walking past me, looking at me. Some were normal looking but with others their faces changed so that they had snake eyes and crocodile teeth. They were followed by hordes of soldiers in military gear carrying machine guns; they wore black berets with camouflage gear and big black boots.

Visions of severed heads I saw, some with hatchets in them, women and men of all races and cultures, with blood running down their faces. I saw mutilated children and babies in plastic bags struggling to breathe. The message I got was that we are being controlled and that life is precious and we should not butcher and kill each other. Whether this was the wolves that were ever present by my side telling me or something else I do not know.

The last things I saw were four black snakes with the eyes of a big cat along with bees on a tree branch working together. Then that pyramid came again with a bright blue eye above it with light all around.

The image of that pyramid was in my eyes long after my journey was over, even whilst I was back in my lodge dozing off to sleep, and it was still there the morning after I had slept.

The Second Journey - Playing With Wolves

2008-03-09T15:54:00.000Z

This time we all decided it would be easier to swallow the Ayahuasca if it was in liquid form. So the Shaman made us a liquid brew as some of our group were having difficulty getting the syrupy stuff down, as I mentioned before.

I went back to my mat, pillows and blankets waiting to see what I would be shown, trying not to vomit and breathing deeply through my mouth to change the direction of the “I want to throw up”feeling (Which incidentally works)

I had changed places with one of our tribe as he said he was in a “spooky spot” so he just asked me to go on his spot to see what would happen.

Gonzo appeared next to me and I stroked his head. He then took me out of the door and down a path outside the maloca to a clearing in the jungle. Wolves appeared from every angle, beautiful creatures with blue eyes. Gonzo was watching from a small hill looking down. I was playing with the wolves and the feeling was fantastic. I was so happy and elated. When I woke up for a short spell I was on my back sprawled out on my mat with my arms out either side of me bathed in a warm glow.

I turned onto my tummy with my head downwards, then became aware of footsteps walking round my mat. At first I thought it was the Shaman’s assistant who was walking round at intervals wafting incense over us, but there was no-one there when I turned and looked, neither was the assistant. Puzzled, I decided to turn back onto my tummy, head down.

Next I heard the chant of a Shaman. It was not our Shaman as the voice was very very deep. It was like a very very deep “Whey-hey-hey” sound. I could feel his warm breath on the back of my head. My Aya buddies reading this will know the voice of our Shaman, and it definitely was not him! The voice was right over the back of my neck. I turned again to look and there was no-one there and our Shaman was playing a harmonica anyway at the other side of the maloca.

I thought I had better get my head down again as I was intrigued to hear this man again. As soon as I did he began blowing on the back of my head and making the same noise.

My next vision was of a little girl with dark brown hair but I could not see her face. She was sat cross legged in front of some sort of temple beckoning me to go to her swinging her right arm towards me then back to her, saying “Come here, come here” There was an arch behind her but as I went to go up the steps the footsteps round my mat came again and the wolves were all around me. I awoke again and sat up watching our Shaman who was in deep thought across the room. From behind me came the same deep voice “Es bueno?” (It’s good?) I spun my head round to see no-one, then back to our Shaman who was still in the same spot. By this time I thought I was going a bit mad hearing voices so I decided to lie down again and try to sleep.

The last thing I saw was the glass pyramid again with the rainbow colours shining through it, then the Shaman’s assistant came over to my mat……

Incidentally, the person who I had exchanged places with also saw the cross legged girl beckoning to him saying exactly the same thing to him as she did me, and he also heard footsteps round his mat as well as seeing the black robed figures with pointed black hoods, except they came through the door and were behind each other not in a line as I saw them. This I found out after the ceremony was over.

My Healing Ceremony in Colombia

2008-03-09T15:43:00.000Z

As I was coming away from my second journey the Shaman’s assistant came to me to ask if I wanted to have a healing. I agreed and followed her to the Shaman, and sat on a wooden log after being told to look at the fire before me.

He started to heal me by chanting with his fan of leaves, blowing tobacco all over me whilst chanting and using crystals on my head. None of this I can actually remember but I was told what had happened the day after by the others. All I could hear was the Shaman’s voice and all I saw was the fire as well as heard the music which was a didgeridoo played by his other assistant.

I was also told that a very loud thunderstorm started as soon as my healing began and the others said that the maloca was shaking. The storm ended when my healing did. All I felt was my body shaking uncontrollably and after he was done I felt like a million bricks had been lifted from my body and mind. I walked back to my mat in a bit of a daze but feeling absolutely fantastic.

The others also told me the day after, that the Shaman was deep in thought when he suddenly pointed his finger at me and told his assistant to go and fetch me to him. It was as if he knew what I needed.

A couple of days after the second ceremony we were allowed to ask of the Shaman anything we wanted. I asked him if he saw other Shaman during ceremonies and healing, because I had seen and heard them. He said he called on the Grandfathers during the ceremonies and healings for assistance. He also said that he saw them often and was very firm with his answer.

I am now of the opinion that the Shaman with the deep voice who came to me the same night that I received my healing was there to help our Shaman.

Another strange thing happened during this healing too. I was involved in a car accident in 1994 in which our car was bashed into from the back. When I went to hospital for an X ray on my neck arthritis was detected in the top two bones of my spine, nothing to do with the accident of course, but the Doctor said it was unusual to find it in a woman of my age.

As the years have gone by I have had trouble with this especially with getting comfy to be able to sleep. I have tried the usual one pillow, two pillows, no pillows system, changed to new beds, usual conventional pills and potions to no avail. I have had an ache down the left side of my neck to my shoulder for years as well as an ache where the bones actually are.

Towards the end of my healing, the Shaman decided to sit behind me and began to prod these bones at the back of my neck saying "Ah ah" He then started to closely talk to them in some language I did not understand whilst still prodding.

He went exactly to the right spot. I was amazed at how he knew what was there, because only I knew and I certainly did not tell him. He began to stroke his fan of leaves down the correct side which was giving me problems from the side of neck to my shoulder whilst still talking.

How the hell he knew I do not know, but afterwards all the pain had gone. I still have the grinding in the bones when I turn my head, but the ache from my neck to my shoulder has completely gone.

First Inipi Sweat Lodge

2008-03-09T15:39:00.000Z

For those of you who do not know what one of these is, the sweat lodge consists of an open domed structure made of bamboo tied with red bands, with a space for a door. Thick woollen blankets are thrown over it in a certain way and large and smaller stones are baked in an adjacent fire of willow branches until red hot then put in a hole in the middle of the structure.

Obviously the thick blankets keep the heat in, and you sit in it, stark naked whilst the steam from the stones after the Shaman has chucked water on them hits your bare body. As once of our tribe says “It kinda bakes the Ayahauasca in”

The ceremony is conducted by the Shaman and his assistant, who chant and sing and it is a very beautiful ceremony. Each time the water is thrown on the fire it creates steam hotter than a sauna and the ceremony is actually a re-birthing process whereas you are in the dark as you would be in your mother’s womb and you emerge a new person. It is a ritual which was performed by the Lakota tribes from centuries ago.

At intervals the door is opened and the steam is let out.

I entered the lodge with my towel round me and once in my spot sat there in the buff. Another woman was with me, as well as the Shaman and his female assistant. The door was covered after the stones were put into the hole from the adjacent fire with a pitch fork brought especially from America by one of our group. Apparently they do not have them in Colombia, maybe because they do not have hay.

As the ceremony started I felt the nastiest energy in the lodge. My heart began to bang really hard in my chest and I could hear it pounding. I could not breathe despite breathing through my mouth as I was told to do so. I started to panic really bad and really tried to keep myself under control. The Shaman was trying to help me calm down but it was no use. I was wrapped in some form of bad energy which would not let me relax. You may think that this was just maybe some form of panic attack, but it was not just the panic symptoms, it was like there was something bad inside the pit of my tummy that would not come out. It even stopped me from crying out.

I began to quietly ask if I could leave, but they just kept telling me to try to relax which I really tried to. After two openings of the door the Shaman said I could leave if I wanted to. I crawled to the door like a rag doll with a purple face, asked one of our tribe manning the door blankets to take my hand to help me stand as I could not move and staggered to my feet.

I sat down and started to cry and I could not stop myself, I felt so sick I almost threw up. The heavy brick in my tummy sank back down. The heat was nothing to what my other feelings were. The Shaman came to me afterwards and said that there was a very bad energy inside me, but he said that having two door openings from the ceremony would have helped it nearer the surface. I explained that as a child I was put in our dark cellar as punishment and he said the bad energy from those experiences did not want to come out as it was too deep inside. It wanted to stay put but it had to be out of me as it was no good.

On reflection, I think I now know why he randomly selected me for healing the second time we drank as he knew I had some baggage that I had to be rid of.

I did feel a bit of a wimp for not being able to stay throughout the whole Inipi ceremony but it was if I was possessed by something that wanted me to get out of it as if something did not want me to be cleansed.

Second Inipi Sweat Lodge

2008-03-07T20:03:00.000Z

This was after my healing with the Shaman and I still could not bring myself to take part in the ceremony, but there again this could be that I now felt I no longer needed it to be honest. The Shaman just asked me if I would help with both the women’s and the men’s ceremonies and did not ask if I would be taking part as if he knew the reasons anyway. His eyes tend to be reading you in some way. So I helped with the blankets and the door for both. It was quite amusing listening to the sounds that were coming from inside with the men.

He also asked me to blow the incense on the women and men as they entered. I felt like I was chosen.

However, this ceremony was very intense and as I was at the door side of the Shaman (where he asked me to stand) I could feel energy being released each time the door blankets were thrown back. Even the Shaman said that the stones were very powerful that day. At one point the vibes nearly knocked me over, but it was the good stuff and you got the feeling that the tribe inside were glowing with good and all was well.

2007-10-21T15:13:00.000+01:00

My third Ayahuasca journey – Seeing the future

Abreaction is a process of regression back to the situation or source of a problem or trauma. This process allows you to relive the experience to gain new understanding and insight enabling resolution or closure. The frequent result is a liberation from guilt or fear might have bound you. The process often results in re-evaluation of your life course with strong tendency and resolution to pursue positive changes to improve your life with renewed purpose and mission.

After my last journey I spent all the day after trying to make sense of it all. My past life had flown away past my ears and I felt like a little girl again but this time I was a happy one. I used to get angry with my mother for dying and leaving me, then feel guilty and tell her that I loved her; I’d get angry with God for letting it happen to me, testing his power by asking him to make it stop as he had the power to do so. When he didn’t, I used to yell at him all the more. I also got angry with myself for not speaking out.

I tried to think about my past childhood as some sort of mind test and yes, it was there but I now had a new attitude to it all. It was a case of “It happened, now it’s gone, it’s over” I felt no emotional pain, no sadness, no anger and no bitterness towards my past or the people responsible anymore.

So as I knew this night was to be our last Ayahuasca ceremony I was dubious about taking part. I felt that maybe I had been shown all there was to see and I was cured. Was there any more to see or learn? Were there any more questions I needed to ask her? I pondered about this all day and something told me to journey once more…

Again we went through the usual ritual and I once again whispered into my cup after the Shaman. I drifted off to sleep this time and started to see beads of various bright colours and a hissing noise in my ears. A snake appeared from the right hand side of my visionary field and he was black with an outline of dark green. I smiled at him and I knew he meant me no harm, he was looking at me through one eye at the side of his head, but his eye was not a snake’s eye. It was orangey yellow and the pupil was a black slit like a big cats. His black forked tongue was poking out but did not move. I watched him for a while and in the background I saw a bright pink snake being swallowed by a bright yellow snake.

I asked again to see my ancestors. Being a person with very dark eyes, hair and skin I have always wondered about my ancestry. I tan very easily, have never been sunburned and can cope with extreme heat temperatures. So I asked the Madre again if she could tell me for sure who my ancestors were.

I was taken to a hut where I saw four short in stature people who had black straight hair, tanned skin with grey cloths around their bottom bits. I did not see their faces but they were hanging by their necks from ropes from the roof. I was not shocked by this but knew I was somehow related to these people. I did not wonder at the time why they had been strung up like that or by whom but it was one of the first things on my mind when I awoke.

I saw a big fly next but it had long spider legs, I told the Goddess not to show me anything scary so it disappeared.

I asked her if I could see my mother again. I was taken down some wooden steps to a glass display case. It was like then ones where you look at animals in a zoo where the glass is at the top and stonework to the bottom. My father aged around 19 was in there (He was 19 when he got me) He had the hairstyle of the 1960’s with the quaff and Brylcreem and he was wearing an orange shirt. I could only see his head and shoulders. In the display with him were people in various stages of death and decay. Some were crinkly and grey, some were decomposed, some were skin and bone and others were just plain skulls.

I felt nothing when I saw this sight, just curiousity. I asked again to see my mother. She showed me an alien mother who was transparent surrounded by a brilliant white light. The mother was holding a baby alien, the miniature of herself and it was really cute! I could see all the veins and arteries under the skin and head of this baby. I could feel nothing but love all around me.

So as I thought I was not going to be allowed to see my mother, I asked what the future holds for my sons, and named them. For the eldest the reply I got was another brilliant white light, an arch and a bride and groom appearing through both walking towards me. The groom was my eldest son in a morning suit, the bride was in white with a veil covering her facial features. My womb swelled up and felt very warm and I was conscious of a baby in it, I knew the feeling well due to past experience of course.

I remember feeling a little panicky at this stage due to my age but she told me it was my first grandchild. I asked if the baby would be a boy or a girl and I was shown the genital organs of a baby girl along with a bright pink flower whose species I cannot name. I was ecstatic by now at this news and asked about my second son. I was shown a yellow path which was winding into the sun. Bright different coloured pebbles appeared and were dropped down the middle of the path one by one, like the lines on a road. I was told he would be going on a journey but a happy one.

A woman’s arm appeared from the right before my eyes and her hand was clenched around a glass. In it was a red and white packet of cigarettes. It was not an English pack but the soft top variety and I could see a few sticking out. I was just about to take one when her hand crushed the pack and the glass disappeared. Next she made me listen to my breathing very loudly and I could hear every wheeze and gurgle amplified in my ears. I told her I had got the message!

Two pyramids were next to be seen one on top of the other point to point. The lower one was made of sand coloured square bricks and the top one was clear glass. The glass one was teetering like it was going to fall at any moment.

I did not understand that so again I asked to see my mother, and if she did not want to show me I would understand it was not to be. I did not see her but an absolutely massive bright light appeared before me and I felt my mother’s love. I knew she was there watching me and I was wrapped in the most wonderful shroud of love and happiness. I felt her arms around me and I felt so safe.

I bolted upright and was crying my heart out (again) and whispered “Thank You” to the Goddess for allowing me to feel my mother’s love once again.

Now I have peace

Borrowing the words of a wonderful man who I met at the workshop "This could put many a psycho-analyst out of business"

2007-10-21T15:11:00.000+01:00

My second Ayahuasca journey – Meeting the Madre

Catharsis is precipitated on the physical level as a vehicle for cleansing and detoxification. Spiritual catharsis occurs at a deeper level as Ayahuasca purges negativity, toxins, personal "baggage" and "garbage" accumulated through one's lifetime. The pace and depth of this process depends greatly on the willingness of the individual to surrender ego and pride to achieve the blessings of cleansing and rebirth.

The reason the medicine is referred to as a female such as Goddess, Mother and Madre etc is because when you are on your journey you will come into contact with her, you will feel a maternal presence. You may not see her but you may hear her, or you know she takes your hand. She may speak to you, she may just show you things she wants you to see but even if you do not hear her voice or see her face you just KNOW she is there, you can feel her and she is always with you.

After a days rest we met in the cabana in the afternoon, again we chose where we would lie down for our journeys on our mattresses with blankets and pillows. The Shaman told us that the journey may be a more intense experience as it was daylight and warned of the usual dangers of wandering off to the beach or pool.

We all drank our medicine. After the Shaman had spoken into my cup, I whispered to her not to show me anything scary again and to answer my questions if she would before I drank. Some of the group walked around a bit chatting before the onset and others lay down and waited on their mattresses.
As usual I was compelled to sleep again!

She arrived in the dark and I knew she was there as I could feel her warm glow all over me. I did not see colours, coloured beads, snakes or insects as the others had related they had seen the day before. I was suddenly aware that I was being analysed from my toes to my head. I could sense something feeling my body but it was like it was being done from inside my skin.

I asked in the darkness of my closed eyes, “What do you want to show me?” I was shown trees with faces on their trunks which were very grey, old and sad. I knew these people were my ancestors. A child alien appeared from below my line of vision. She had an oval head, dark shiny oval eyes and she was the colour of a dolphin. I only saw her head and shoulders.

It felt like I was floating forwards and I asked “Where are you taking me?” I floated towards a large box and I looked into this box and in it were large spikes of cold steel, they were a dull, drab grey colour and I could sense so much negativity from this box, it made me frown and feel so sad. Each spike began to float out of the box and they started to float past each of my ears! As they did so I was aware that each spike contained parts of my life.

It felt like all the junk I had ever crammed into my brain was being erased, it was like the running of a video tape very fast before your eyes as you watch it on the TV screen. Silly magazines, cheesy television programmes, bad memories, traumatic experiences, hurt, pain, they all went floating away. As the box emptied it was like weights had been lifted from my body and mind and I felt wonderful!

Next I was taken to a horse’s head; the horse was brown with a white nose. I remember thinking it was a moose at first but it was certainly a horse. On its forehead were 5 bright blue eyes. 3 in one line and 2 underneath. These eyes merged into one and it blinked at me a couple of times then disappeared.

I was next taken to the skeletal structure of a woman’s pelvis. I could see her spine, her femurs, and her ribs. There was a baby in her womb and as I got closer I saw that the baby was me. I looked up and saw her skull and all her upper body structure and looked down her legs to the bones of her feet. I was looking at the full skeleton of a woman. She had no features just a black shadowy outline of her body all around her skeleton.

The last thing I remember was floating down a very dark tunnel and then I awoke crying my eyes out, not through sadness but happiness. I felt like a new person, that I had been somehow given another chance and I felt like a child as I felt very mischievous and wanting to laugh out loud. I had to contain myself for the benefit of the others who were still asleep travelling. The Shaman’s wife saw me as I sat up and as she smiled at me I felt her maternal love for her child who was sleeping beside her.

I was very lucky that night as I did not vomit or run to the loo. I had had the most wonderful journey and I felt that my past life was over and that night was a new beginning. I tried to go back into my journey to see if there was anymore for me to be shown. I closed my eyes but my journey was over, there was nothing more.

I was never frightened on this journey as even though I was shown some pretty unusual things, she was with me and I knew I was safe.
Some people can actually wake up and then drift back to see more, if the Goddess wants to show you more that is, but for me she decided my healing session was over …..For that day anyhow

2007-10-21T15:07:00.000+01:00

My first Ayuahuasca journey

My first journey was rather a disappointing experience to me. The ceremony consists of a Shaman being present who administers the medicine to you. First we all laid our mattresses, pillows and blankets down around a fire outside by the beach, listening to the waves breaking on the shore.

Then we went to see the Shaman in his cabana who was sitting behind a low wooden table with his two jugs of Ayahuasca in front of him and his fans of leaves, 2 candles, beads and a small wooden cup for us to drink out of. He started to chant over the jugs and fanned them with the leaves, but before he did this he gave us a few warnings about wandering off near the fire, swimming pool or onto the beach for obvious reasons.

After he had finished his songs, we all took turns to kneel and drink the amount of medicine he gave to you. He spoke into the cup before he passed it to you.I drank mine and despite warnings from experienced drinkers that "The stuff tastes absolutely vile" I found that it was not really that bad! Yes, it was a bit bitter tasting but I suppose it depends on your taste tolerance. I had also heard from others who had sampled the brew before that it gave them bad visions and scary dreams, and you could also find yourself running to the loo with the runs or vomiting in the bushes. So I whispered into my cup and asked Madre Ayahuasca "Please give me sweet dreams, nothing scary, I cannot handle anything scary"The reason I call her Madre (Mother) I will explain about later.

I got my wish. Within 20 minutes I was put into a very deep sleep. It was not the sort of sleep where you doze then go to sleep in various stages; it was like someone had switched me off. I woke up after around 3 hours and had the most incredible urge to vomit. This I did twice behind a palm tree. I was also very drowsy for ages.

Apparently, this is known as "purging" or a cleansing process, and the more you vomit, the more cleansed you feel. It is not like being sick from being drunk, ill or over-eating, it really is a cleansing feeling and you also feel that you have got rid of any bad stuff lurking around in your body. Likewise with the urge to run to the loo even though I luckily did not suffer that fate! However, I did see quite a few running past me with some great urgency in the direction of the obvious.

I remembered nothing of my dreams that night and it was as if she had shut my body down to work on me as the day after I felt happy, alive and unbelievably content. Another thing the medicine does, your hearing is more acute, your vision is sharper and your senses of smell and taste are heightened. You notice nature more, things you have taken for granted and you see people for what they are and do not judge. It is like you have a new outlook on life, like you appreciate it more.

I had a deeper understanding of the people who were in the group. I knew one person was missing their little girl, one who had sadness in their life, one who had a particular question to ask at the next ceremony and I could feel a certain person's love for their children. I felt all these things by intuition.

After a couple of bottles of water (Ayahuasca made me incredibly thirsty) I came round from my drowsy state and went back to my room to sleep

The day after I was listening to the stories of the others with great interest as they had had some super journeys. I must admit I did feel a bit left out as they had seen colours, coloured beads, colourful snakes and pretty lights, but as the next ceremony loomed I was determined to ask the Madre to help me and heal me so I could get on with my life without those damn bad memories creeping up on me and making me unhappy.

2007-10-21T15:05:00.000+01:00

Ayahuasca calling!

I was given the opportunity to go to a Brazilian Workshop Retreat to learn all about this plant and its magical powers. I was asked to go right out of the blue as no way could I have made it on my own. In fact, I had never even heard of Ayahuasca before. I will be forever grateful to the people who made this possible.

As soon as I knew I was about to do this, I could not stop thinking about it! I read as much as I could about this medicine's success stories that I knew in my heart that I just had to take it and somehow knew it was the answer to my own emotional healing. It was like something was saying to me "Come, I will show you things and I will heal you"

This retreat is not only for the drinking of Ayahuasca, it is also a place of teaching and healing. You follow a certain diet of yummy food which will detoxify your body and after a week you really will feel much better. It is set in a beautiful location and the accommodation is superb. The support staff are wonderful!

If you want to see the magical and beautiful place I stayed at follow this link:

www.heartoftheinitiate.com

2007-10-21T14:58:00.000+01:00

What happens to me after I drink it?

You may experience some nausea, possibly with vomiting. This is a phase you have to go through, so don’t fight it. It is considered part of the purification process. However, you will be aware during your journey if you need to vomit or run to the loo so do not be afraid! If you do vomit, it is not like being ill from over-eating, sickness or being drunk. You will feel cleansed.

This does not always happen so please do not let this put you off in any way. The others with you are too busy experiencing their own journeys to pay any attention to what you are doing!

You may experience a change in your hearing and it will become more acute. You may also start to see flashes of white light, and hear crackling or white noise. From here your journey can take any direction. As you enter other dimensions, leaving the plane of your physical body, a sense of floating in the air may occur.

You may have some visionary experiences showing landscapes with vivid colours, spiritual beings or mystical realms. You may be compelled to sleep and dream or to sleep and remember nothing. You may see snakes, insects, your ancestors, you may want to stay awake and enjoy your journey with your eyes open, you may see people you do not know. Each journey is individual and you will have your own personal one. You can read about each of mine further on…

To drink this medicine takes great courage and in my opinion it is best to go to the ceremony with a reason for doing what you are about to do. Ask your questions, if the Madre thinks you need to know the answers she will tell you. Let her take you by the hand and show you what you need to be shown.

If you see anything you do not like ask her to take you away from it. She knows what you need and will hear you. She has the power to heal you, and she will.

2007-10-21T14:54:00.000+01:00

What is the role of the Shaman ?

Shamans work with the spirit or the soul. They heal illness at the soul level. They gain knowledge and insight from working with the spirits of nature such as rocks and trees, the land, and they gain knowledge from working with spirits of animals and humans such as their ancestors. For the shaman everything is alive and carries information, you can call this spirit, energy, or consciousness.

In order to communicate with the spirit or consciousness of these things, the shaman will shift his or her own state of awareness. Shamans can do this through various means, such as meditation, repetitive sounds such as that of the drum or maracas, or through the help of plants. The shaman will then see through a new set of eyes, they will see what is going on within you on a spiritual level.

With great reverence, intention and prayer, Ayahuasca is prepared and cooked for several days. All the while the shaman sings his sacred songs of healing making this tea into a medicine.

The Shaman will administer the medicine to you after performing his ritual of chanting over the jug of Ayahuasca using his fan of leaves. You will kneel before him one by one and drink. He will speak into your cup for you to help you on your journey. He will stay with you throughout the duration.

The most beautiful thing I have ever heard is the Shaman’s song soothing you as you drift into your own personal journey.

For more information on these wonderful people visit:

http://www.shamanlinks.net

2007-10-21T14:44:00.001+01:00

What is Ayahuasca?

The ayahuasca medicine is a tea brewed from the thick woody stems of the Banisteriopsis Caapi vine and the big bushy leaves of the Chacruna (Psychotria viridis) plant, a member of the coffee family.

This medicine has been used in Amazonia for millennia. Other commonly used names for this ancient potion are yagé, natema, and caapi. Ayahuasca healing remains today a prominent and accepted shamanic practice throughout tropical South America.

The name “Ayahuasca” comes from the Quechua words “aya” meaning “soul” or “spirit”, and “huasca” meaning “vine”

Ayahuasca - The Vine of the Soul - is considered by many to be a holistic purge of body, mind, and spirit, cleansing and healing those who seek its rewards in good faith with open heart and mind.

It is not chemically made like LSD which can make you climb upon a high window ledge and make you think you can fly with dire consequences.

Ayahuasca must be taken very seriously and given respect. If you have any thoughts about taking it just to get high or go “tripping” don’t bother to read any further as this is not for you

2007-10-04T21:33:00.000+01:00

Where did my childhood go?

Ayahuasca medicine made from the brewing of two Amazonian plants - Banisteriopsis caapi and Psychotria viridis often engenders powerful visions in the drinker, allowing them to work through unresolved psychological issues, heal mental distress, and access inner strength and personal power. The three to eight hours of the ayahuasca journey has been likened by some to years of psychological therapy.

I am not looking for sympathy here only an understanding of what prompted me to take part in Ayahuasca ceremonies after learning that the medicine was a great healer.

My mother died aged 31 of tuberculosis when I was 10 years old and I lived with my father. He was a habitual drinker and used to enjoy going out to the pub leaving me in the house alone all night. A relative found out about this and reported him to Social Services who decided to take me away from my father.

After a Court Case I went to live with my maternal Grandfather and his second wife who was a complete bitch. My Grandfather did nothing to stop her cruelty.

For the next 8 years I suffered the most horrendous abuse. I was constantly yelled at, had things thrown at me, was beaten with objects and generally degraded and verbally abused all the time. Mental and physical abuse is just as bad as sexual abuse and after I left home I buried my anger and bad memories away deep down inside.

However, every now and again they would rise to the surface and I would be sad and angry. I could have sought help I hear you say, well yes I could but I did not want to speak to a counsellor who probably had no experience of child abuse only via a text book nor seek the help of conventional medicine, as I would probably be hooked on valium by now.

I dealt with it by talking to my mother hoping the dead could hear and crying millions of tears.

My father did not put up any fight against the authorities and has had no contact with me for decades. He very kindly married my Mum's "best friend" who had 6 children around 2 years after my Mum died and brought those children up as his own. He also had a liaison with another "friend" of my mother's about a month after I was taken away (and 3 months after my Mum died) which produced a half brother who I only found out about a few years ago.

In the 1960's child abuse in whatever form was not spoken of. Children were "seen and not heard" I was told I would not be believed, that I was a bad person and I was constantly threatened that I would be locked away if I told anyone anything. Any questions I asked were met with physical violence. I was sent either to my room containing just a bed and a chest of drawers when Social Workers came to visit (That was a rare occasion I can tell you) or sent to one of her relatives houses 3 doors away.

The Social Workers never asked to see me so she got away with her antics and obviously conned them into believing that everything was all right.

So I ask that next time you here or read about children from "broken homes" getting into trouble with the authorities or doing bad things, please do not try to judge them too harshly. I do not condone what they do but try to understand the reasons for their behaviour. They need so much help, and most of the things they do are just that, a cry for help.

Luckily I did not go down any of these paths, I was too terrified of authority but many do and although I am no psychologist, the reasons are very simple:

Drug and alcohol abuse - To forget their bad memories and see life through "other eyes"

Opposition to authority - Authority has let them down all their life be it Social Workers, Teachers or Bosses as no one has listened to their suffering

Stealing and Burglary - To have what they never had or to crave any attention as they have been deprived of it as a child

Single Parents - A need to be loved by someone