Where did my childhood go?

Ayahuasca medicine made from the brewing of two Amazonian plants - Banisteriopsis caapi and Psychotria viridis often engenders powerful visions in the drinker, allowing them to work through unresolved psychological issues, heal mental distress, and access inner strength and personal power. The three to eight hours of the ayahuasca journey has been likened by some to years of psychological therapy.

I am not looking for sympathy here only an understanding of what prompted me to take part in Ayahuasca ceremonies after learning that the medicine was a great healer.

My mother died aged 31 of tuberculosis when I was 10 years old and I lived with my father. He was a habitual drinker and used to enjoy going out to the pub leaving me in the house alone all night. A relative found out about this and reported him to Social Services who decided to take me away from my father.

After a Court Case I went to live with my maternal Grandfather and his second wife who was a complete bitch. My Grandfather did nothing to stop her cruelty.

For the next 8 years I suffered the most horrendous abuse. I was constantly yelled at, had things thrown at me, was beaten with objects and generally degraded and verbally abused all the time. Mental and physical abuse is just as bad as sexual abuse and after I left home I buried my anger and bad memories away deep down inside.

However, every now and again they would rise to the surface and I would be sad and angry. I could have sought help I hear you say, well yes I could but I did not want to speak to a counsellor who probably had no experience of child abuse only via a text book nor seek the help of conventional medicine, as I would probably be hooked on valium by now.

I dealt with it by talking to my mother hoping the dead could hear and crying millions of tears.

My father did not put up any fight against the authorities and has had no contact with me for decades. He very kindly married my Mum's "best friend" who had 6 children around 2 years after my Mum died and brought those children up as his own. He also had a liaison with another "friend" of my mother's about a month after I was taken away (and 3 months after my Mum died) which produced a half brother who I only found out about a few years ago.

In the 1960's child abuse in whatever form was not spoken of. Children were "seen and not heard" I was told I would not be believed, that I was a bad person and I was constantly threatened that I would be locked away if I told anyone anything. Any questions I asked were met with physical violence. I was sent either to my room containing just a bed and a chest of drawers when Social Workers came to visit (That was a rare occasion I can tell you) or sent to one of her relatives houses 3 doors away.

The Social Workers never asked to see me so she got away with her antics and obviously conned them into believing that everything was all right.

So I ask that next time you here or read about children from "broken homes" getting into trouble with the authorities or doing bad things, please do not try to judge them too harshly. I do not condone what they do but try to understand the reasons for their behaviour. They need so much help, and most of the things they do are just that, a cry for help.

Luckily I did not go down any of these paths, I was too terrified of authority but many do and although I am no psychologist, the reasons are very simple:

Drug and alcohol abuse - To forget their bad memories and see life through "other eyes"

Opposition to authority - Authority has let them down all their life be it Social Workers, Teachers or Bosses as no one has listened to their suffering

Stealing and Burglary - To have what they never had or to crave any attention as they have been deprived of it as a child

Single Parents - A need to be loved by someone